You are currently browsing the tag archive for the 'autism' tag.
(Was introduced to BellX1 last night and I really like the simplicity of their song “Light Catches Your Face”.)
Parenting/Autism:
Jack and Lorelei’s swimming lessons are going AMAZINGLY. It’s shocking to me to see my kid zoom around the pool under water like an otter. It’s truly that feeling of my heart hurting with pride for him. Aside from my nightmares of drowning being subdued, it’s just great to see him succeed in an arena that he was so far behind in.
Jack’s teacher has experience with RDI, and has given me the number of someone in Chicago to call to see about finding someone in KC. My cursory refresher on the method makes me think it could possibly be beneficial, yet I’m obviously feeling reticent because I still haven’t called and I’m not sure why. Maybe because he’s doing wonderfully and I don’t want to go through the drain that therapies like that can do to expectation and hope? Or because I’m gun-shy to shell out the money after being thoroughly swindled by that guy in the DAN! program? Not sure. Navigating the world of autism sucks.
Took Jack to the doctor today. His cough was just some inflammation leftover from whatever cold he had recently, and after the doc gave me an inhaler to soothe the lining it was voila, cough-be-gone. I feel furthering contentment with my choices regarding health and my kids; my instincts continue to work, and I’m proud of my parenting.
Divorce/Emotions:
It will be final next week, and I think there’s more peace than people would think (though the point is that no one outside of it could know, so opinions altogether really in theory shouldn’t exist). We’re both dating, and our communication is still good. It took so much longer than I ever would have thought possible, but again, I think it was for the best as far as transitions for everyone.
And the thing is, I had talked to Jon months ago about permission to flesh out my feelings on here, but I’ve found since then that I just don’t have the desire, and in fact it feels like feeding some stupid gossip beast to do so. I’ve always been pretty candid about my thoughts, but I’ve changed a lot this last year, and though I know there is at least one person out there who reads this hoping for a kernel of information, the truth is that at this point, if we’re not friends enough that you would already know, you don’t need to. I don’t even say that snarkily. I’m just done with my life being the fodder for bored people.
I’m happy, I think Jon’s happy, the kids are more loved now than ever before – we’re doing fine, despite that the idea might shatter preconceptions of divorce.
Religion/People Who Suck:
Saw Bill Maher’s Religulous last week. My disdain for his arrogance didn’t wane with this, but I learned some history about the Egyptian religion (namely Horus?) and the coincidences of Christianity. I find it… disturbing that I had never learned this before. It appears to discredit a lot of the Christian tenets, and I think it should be researched by anyone claiming to be a Christian, not only to strengthen faith, but also as knowledge to arm yourself against a conversation with.. oh I don’t know.. a skeptic like me. Similar denunciations were found in the barely functional, unabashedly-conspiracy theoried ‘documentary’ Zeitgeist, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like a fool for having had the wool pulled over my eyes for so many years.
Thing is, I’m sure they connected some dots for drama, but most of this you couldn’t have made up. I mean, this is just simple history, but either I’ve never had that chapter in school, or it’s just not part of the teachings in the MULTIPLE DENOMINATIONS I’ve attended through the years. And I tell you what, but I’m basically done with organized religion. I’ve been leaning toward that for a while now, but after this last year and the things that have been said to me.. blerg.. I’m just done. Some of the meanest people I’ve ever met were Christians, and combining that with my own research on supercessionism and general irrefutable hypocrisies, and I’m just not comfortable anymore subscribing to something I think is at best flawed and at worst mythical.
So. Ok. Now that that’s out, let me amend to say I know I sound all types of dramatic, but I’m really not intending to. I’m just finally having the courage to say out loud what I’ve doubted in my mind for a long time. And even after that verbal diarrhea I’ll say that I feel agnostic about the whole subject. I don’t know what is or isn’t out there, and if in three years I’m somewhere else (or back), so be it. Shrug.
And… that’s all the semi-heavy stuff for today, I gotta clean. I’ve been craving more stimulating conversation lately, so if anything I’ve mentioned sparks a thought, please (please) feel free to comment (anonymously or otherwise), even if you disagree with what I’ve said. My commitment to the blog has changed as the catharsis of it has changed, and I’m leaning toward something that isn’t just simple updates. More topically-based, maybe? I dunno. If it doesn’t work I’ll go back to status-commenting on FB, but I’d like to see.
Let the wild rumpus start, and all that.
xoxo
But I hope whomever used that search term to land here found what they needed anyway.
I swear I had full intentions to post something coherent today; I even tried to set aside time this week to do it. But I think this will be if not an epic fail, at least a substantial one. I’m sorry. I’ve got myself a tidy little cold, and the only positive thing about it is that being this stuffed up, the acoustics in my head when I sing are uhhmaaazing. Other than that I’m drinking vitamin C-laced hot water like crazy, and walking around in a tired fog.
Let’s see.. Jack and Lorelei started swim lessons last week. The gal who is teaching them is an older Jewish (I’m guessing) ex-New Yawker (pretty sure about this one) who apparently used to run an autism program somewhere. Whatever, she’s hysterical and the best teacher for my particular knuckleheads. She’s very (on par with the above-mentioned stereotypes) no-nonsense, and you could tell she was smitten with Jack’s eagerness, which, if you remember from last year, is a tremendous 180. I’m pretty stoked.
I’m also stoked because I’m headed on over to Colorado next weekend with the kids and my mom and sister for a short trip and SWEET JEEBUS I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I NEED THIS.
In exciting news, in a few weeks I’ll be moving into the little blue house that sits next door to the house I work out of! My boss’s brother owns the house (but lives in CA), and is giving me a pretty sweet deal on rent. I’m so excited to do this I am almost unable to verbalize it. Really. That big. So if you’re free any weekend in the next couple months, let me know. Best of all I get my beloved, cantankerous old-man cat, Lucky, back. That grumpy old goat has been with me for almost 12 years, and I miss him something fierce. I might bring that stupid Oscar too, but I think it’s funny hearing the stories Jon tells me about him knocking over the Britta pitcher at night. (Heh. I kid, I’ll see if I can bring them both.)
[So, in an ADD look-a-squirrel sidenote, I've been singing this song non-stop for a few weeks now. It's Band of Horses - "The Funeral", and I was convinced it was a side/new project from the lead singer of Sunny Day Real Estate, but it's not. I'm curious if anyone else thinks they sound the same, though.]
Hmm… Took the kids to the movie Up this weekend and it was.. erm.. disjointed. Odd, mostly. Predictably sweet because it was Pixar, with one particularly sad part, but meh overall. Ironic since they opened with a montage of all the cool movies they’ve made <<scratches head>>. Moving on to television, I’m officially kind of embarrassed to admit that I’ve been watching the first and second seasons of Friday Night Lights. It’s so soap operaish, with every conceivable after-school special theme possible. First season alone they dealt with underage drinking, underage sex, parapalegics, steroids, rape, infidelity, deadbeat dads, deadbeat moms, Alzheimers and football in Texas, of course. But like a fool, I keep watching. Shrug.
(I’m also reading the book The Stone Diaries for my book club, so that renews some brain cells, right?)
And, I think that just about sums up everything I could think to talk about at the moment, my brain now officially hurts. But as a last appeal, if you help me move I’ll give you some of my totally-stolen-from-Hippy-Chick spaghetti sauce, because it’s da bomb.
Have a great week, everyone.
1. Welcome, Spring. And thank you for bringing my migraines back. I won’t take drugs for childbirth, but I’ll pop pain relievers like Tic Tacs every year ’bout now. It’s a good thing I can wear hats to my job, b/c I don’t have a C-clamp big enough, and my Royals cap is the closest I can get to that feeling of wanting to squeeze my temples until my eyeballs pop out.
2. My friend Kyle shared this article about auties and degrees of savantism/genius, and though I read it observationally, it still reminded me of just how freaking proud I am of my little stinker. He’ll be six this weekend, and once again I’m amazed by how hard he works to learn and understand and adapt. Man I love that kid something fierce.
3. On principle I’m right-clicking the hell out of this PC currently. I work with Macs all day long, and sometimes their functionality totally blows.
4. Totally digging this song by Johan Johannsson (whose name still sounds as lame in another language as it would if I’d written the English version John Johnson) called Fordlandia. I would like to use it in a documentary someday. It’s a super long song, so give it a minute to build. So pretty.
5. Speaking of functionality, I saw one of those Easy Rider bikes today, and I legitimately don’t get why the handlebars are built like that. How does that not make your arms ache? I can’t imagine driving cross-country on one of those. What am I missing?
6. I have a sweet couple due in a month and I’m super excited. Births and the miracles within are incomparable, and I could use some rekindling of my faith in humanity lately.
And that’s all I can think of for now. I was going to launch into a been-brewing rant, but my head just simply hurts, and I don’t have the clarity I’ll need. Maybe I’ll try to come back later tonight.
Hope your worlds are well, friends. Feel free to respond to the random post with random thoughts; I’ve been missing a few of you lately. 
1. Jack is ebbing again, in that he’s being a TOTAL PAIN IN MY ASS the last few days. I love him with a ferocity I’ve never known was possible – I know I’ve mentioned that – but he is the single most contrary human I’ve ever had the pleasure of spending every waking moment with. He argues when he wants something. He argues when he doesn’t want something. He argues if he feels something is unjust or unfun or just for fun.
He argues when he agrees with you. I’m really not kidding.
And it’s hard, because I know he’s not even always unhappy when he does it. Sure, he reacts to the stress he senses around him, but I think in part it’s his natural personality from.. erm.. grandparental bloodlines, and also as residual habit from when he first was navigating social interaction altogether. He is not a natural cuddler, but wants attention (as everyone does) so pressing everyone’s buttons around him ensures a modicum of it. I get it.
Regardless, he’s driving me nuts and I’m not in an awesome place with my autism parenting right now. It will pass, like every phase has, but one of us might not make it out unscathed from this one, that’s all I’m sayin’..
2. Lo has discovered the joys of whining. To which I say really, karma? REALLY?
3. I was shown an article today about a local newscaster’s wife being paralyzed by the flu vaccine – and the subsequent trial in vaccine court. This one’s particularly fascinating to me as someone who has such an aversion to the propaganda every year, it’s nauseating.
4. Here’s a follow-up article telling that the Neo-Nazi family has had their children taken away by social services. I know we all had a nice pat-on-our-back rant about why they probably are d-bags, but I sincerely hope those kids needed to be yanked for legitimate reasons, and not because of the limelight they were in. Three and under. Oy. That’s so very little to be away from their parents, it breaks my heart.
5. Saw Gran Torino last weekend. Hmm. It was on many people’s Best Of lists, and my friend Justin really liked it, so I’ll just say I must have missed something. .. Both times I watched it.
6. My back is at about 90% at this point, which is relieving. Now I just need to go back to the gym, because despite herculean efforts to not eat the bagel with cream cheese that’s calling to me, the scale is reflecting my absence.
7. It’s 2°. Four hours ago it was 1°. Toasty!
I wasn’t really going to write anything today, because I was feeling all WHY CAN I ONLY WRITE LISTS INSTEAD OF THOUGHTFUL AND PROFOUND PONDERINGS, but then JennDav sent an update on the Dennis Leary/autism incident, and I patted myself on the back for having held back on my vitriol. (Though I think this smugness might mitigate my maturity-progress a bit.) My opinion on his explanation still doesn’t completely exonerate him as far as I’m concerned – like I thought perhaps would be the case – but regardless I’m glad he acknowledged it. And of course, I love Jon Stewart so that’s always a reason to post something. Mmmmmm..
Secondly, Brandi asked the other day about the paci’s (which, did I ever mention that or is that mommy intuition kicking in already?) so I figured I’d update that with requisite picture.
Some background first: I let both my kids have pacifiers, and somehow we managed to wean Jack from his before Lo was born, with zero problems. In fact, I don’t even remember how it happened.. that kid is so easy sometimes. Lorelei, however, has been one of those kids; the ones that want to have a plug in their mouth at all times, in all places, and with others giving us that ’she’s-going-to-go-to-kindergarten-with-that-thing’ look. I admit I was hesitant how to wean her of it, mostly because I had been a dedicated thumbsucker as a child (so much so that no gross-tasting nail polish or gloves would stop me, and I ended up having to have a retainer put in because the roof of my mouth was becoming too narrow. Yeah. For real. It was ridiculous – sorry Mom.), and I was really afraid my mini-me was the same way.
Basically, I didn’t know what to do: take away the paci and risk a thumb replacement, or let her continue something I knew wasn’t a self-soothing issue, but merely a stubborn habit – one that was possibly messing with her speech development. Sigh. But then I remembered my friend Amanda had employed the concept of the Paci Fairy successfully, and we decided to try it. I highly suggest it.
About two months ago, we started casually mentioning that on (around) her third birthday, the Paci Fairy was going to come and take all her paci’s to the new babies in the world. In return, like her sister Tooth, Paci would leave a small gift as a thank you. So last Saturday Lo decorated a bag
and before bed (and after I found her hiding under the covers with a deathgrip on a handful of pacifiers) we put them in, folded the top, and put it on the front porch for the fairy to retrieve during the night. Jack asked if he could stay up, since he had in fact missed meeting Tooth, but I told him that the fairies were cousins to Santa, and they wouldn’t come unless everyone was asleep.
[I'm sure there are some theories about why lying to my kids with such abandon is wrong, but holy batman I think it's fun to make up these stories. Maybe they'll be gullible enough to believe in some sort of seat belt boogeyman when they start driving..]
Anyway, she put ‘em in, was out cold within ten minutes with nary a fuss, and in the morning was poking me and whispering excitedly that she wanted to see what presents had been left. Luckily, she thinks cheap beaded jewelry from the 80s – yes, mine – is beyootiful, so I saved my arse after having forgotten to get something.
Battles Won to date? Parents: 3, 876 – Kids: 11, 342, 999
What else.. Um, I did some skill testing today at a local temp agency and my scores were great. She said she hopes they can place me somewhere soon, but first I have to take a PowerPoint test (ran out of time today). Unfortunately I realized yesterday that I sort of leap-frogged PP to use more advanced design programs when I was tech writing, and I’ve never actually even opened it as far as I remember. But surely I can mungle my way through it; it’s Microsoft, so that should make it easily navigable, right? ….Snort.
And really I think that’s about it. It’s been a fairly uneventful week. Sure, I could talk about how the weather changed – oh, 50 degrees – in twenty hours, but if I’m scraping the bottom of the idea barrel to talk about Kansas weather, I need to just say goodbye and hang up.
So, I’ll leave you with some Louis Prima, which has made me boogie lately. Enjoy!
I keed.
So my friend Jenn sent me an article quoting Denis Leary’s ridiculous opinion about autism (along with an old one about Jenny McCarthy, but my views on that can easily be learned reading the archives), and was excited to think I had some choice words in response. And she’s not wrong. Two years ago I would have kicked some rhetorical ass ranting about it. Last year I would have at least attempted to denigrate him with a witty and acerbic barb.
But today I was just like.. eh, whatever, dumbass. Which honestly kind of surprised me at first. I mean, I may be exhausted, but my anger has reserves it can access pretty easily, and it’s not as if I care less about the subject – though in fairness, I’ll concede that some of the apathy could be that my autism advocacy has slipped in priority for myriad of reasons.
And I’m sure a large part is my general refusal to be goaded by assholes who are trying to create drama. I’ve never cared a whole lot either way for Leary (aside from his ode to the hyperlinked curse above, which I dig singing when appropriate), but I’ll gladly lump him in with those who think they can say whatever they want under the guise of pretending they don’t care about consequence. It’s actually one of the strongest traits I disrespect, and whatever, obviously Leary will earn some sort of consequence far more important to him than this random blogger’s venom.
Mostly, though, I think my reticence to care is based on my newest existential realization that there’s not a whole lot in life that really is as black and white as it seems, and because of that, I’ve been careful to not spout off as much, since I’ve learned firsthand just how easy it is to assume one knows all there is to know to make a judgment. So while I would be surprised if much/any/all of that quote could have been misconstrued or taken out of context (i.e., I probably have some valid fodder for being irate) the point here is that I’m learning to let some things go as not worth the emotional energy. Especially if my opinion would be empirically obvious, or better yet, wrong.
Ahhh, Maturity. You all here yet? I’m woefully behind, sister.
Having a blog is sometimes not unlike a diary (for some of us more than others), but mostly it’s an almost-daily calendar filler. What we’ve done, what’s happening in the world, who snotted where, blahblahblah. Sometimes it’s a chance to flex some narrative creativity – and those are my favorite posts, personally – but mostly it’s a happy presentation with moments of rawness written for catharsis. It’s been a year since I jumped to WordPress, and every once in a while, I re-read old stuff out of boredom. I generally stay away from the autism tags, but today I was shocked to discover how.. foreign.. it was to read the posts from last year. They seemed new to me, as if I couldn’t relate.
(Maybe I’ve got incredibly premature dementia. Which, I think I’ve seen a news report actually call that momnesia. Which is so irritating. Why does everything have to have some cutsie name – especially within motherhood? Whatever, I digress.)
Anyway, I found this one from last summer. Wow. I mean, of course I remember that, and yet it seems like eons ago. We still have communication issues (he answered a question about power lines with “fo shizzle my dizzle” last week) but NOTHING like we did then. And in honesty it hurts to read some of the old posts about autism, because it’s always in retrospect that I realize how survival-mode we were (are) in. But, I know it’s important for me to do, because I need the reminder of how far we’ve come. Yes, he still makes my eyeballs roll around in my head with his incessant (perserverating, nonstop, never ending and REALLY LOUD) chatter, but hell, today’s chatter is nothing compared to last year’s, and in a year it will have changed again. Most parents are sad about that; I’m rejoicing. That’s progress, after all.
And if I’m going to be even more honest, the truth is that his success is all him. I circle him to give him a safety wall to bounce off of, but his growth is all him. He’s developed astronomically this past year – with school, social situations, potty learning, reading/writing – and he has had to do it with an inherent roadblock of incomprehension, inability to communicate and bouts of severe anxiety.
As hard as this is for us, it has to be even harder for him, and I forget that a lot.
So I just wanted to give him some quick (and mom-cheesy, if not still legit) props, for all the times I’ve muttered (or yelled) how much I hate autism. Because really, I can’t. Without autism – and all its frustrations – I wouldn’t have Jack. And this kid is amazing. He’s stubborn and strong and more resilient than me most days.
Keep on keepin’ on, little man. I love you.
So I often add some powdered hot chocolate to my morning jetfuel (Because I’m still a little too I like my sugar with coffee and cream Beastie Boyish, thanks.) and when we have raw goat milk, I’ll add that to it, ala the Big Mac/Diet Coke kind of thinking. Fine. But yesterday, Jack found an old box of Spiderman mac n’ cheese in the pantry -
[Sidenote: Does anyone else think the funky noodle shapes taste different than the regular noodles? How is that?! Why wouldn't it be the same ingredients as regular noodles, but just stamped into a different mold?!]
- and demanded to eat it for lunch. To assuage some of my guilt I only put in half the cheese packet, and added some ingredients from the fridge in hopes of creating some semblance of health. Ok, great.
So. This morning, after making my delicioso 7-step coffee, I randomly grabbed for the half packet of chocolate left over from yesterday – you know where this is going – and instead dumped the rest of the craptastic powdered cheese into my gloriously oversized mug. Luckily, I noticed I was stirring around BRIGHT ORANGE, and some synapse fired enough to recognize that Houston had a problem.
Alas, the day was not ruined, because making that complicated coffee means we always have a lot left over. And the second go-round was much more smooth. But that still should be a lesson for JON to NOT BUY SPIDERMAN MAC’NCHEESE AT THE STORE. BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EVEN TASTE GOOD ANYWAY.
Let’s see. How is everyone? Things are pretty good here. Oscar is pretty much 100% healed. He has a hella scar running up his belly with staples in it, and I’m considering calling him Zip(per) from now on. Or, Oscar the WonderMoron. Or Economy Stimulus Check. Whichever.
Jon is donating bone marrow next week b/c he is a match for someone, and that is so ridiculously cool. I’m not sure what all it entails, but truly, we should all be so lucky there are people out there who would do something so painful and altruistic. You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.
For those of you who know of my long-standing fascination with the West Memphis Three case, I was directed to this video yesterday that sums it up much more quickly than the two documentaries. Go. Watch. Get involved. I cried yesterday thinking not only of the injustice, but the arbitrariness of HBO getting involved in the first place. It scares me to think of all the other backwoods, backassward trials slipping through the cracks.
That Alex Barton thing I (and eleventybillion other people) wrote about has literally exploded, due to the outrage of the autism community. As per usual I’m slightly irritated that autism is the main reason it caught national attention, but it has opened a huge path for discussion of neurodiversity, which is stupidly overdue. Again (againagainagain), I’m not wholly sure I can be in either camp, but enlightenment is still progress, obviously.
I am digging on this song, big time.
I finished the book Middlesex last week. I think it’s a great choice for everyone; it has a lot of underlying themes that can be discussed thoroughly. Plus, I get the impression that the author might be the type who wrote a cool story but didn’t actually mean for it to be that purposely layered. Who knows. It’s the guy who wrote The Virgin Suicides, and it’s a cool book anyway, despite his goofy jacket picture.
Only 23 days until we leave for Colorado. Hu-freaking-zah, I’m deliriously excited. I hate summer in Kansas.
I think that’s it. Love to all.
Hala posted an article about a little boy who was ‘voted off the island’ in his class, and the point of the story is that the five year-old is (soon-to-be) dxd with Aspergers.
[My first reaction was irritation that the reporter spelled Asperger with a 'b' in it. Damnit, people. It may sound like 'burger', but it's not. If you can't spell it properly and don't know how to use dictionary.com, relearn how to pronounce it as a mnemonic.]
However, the gut reaction for me was not so much the advocacy of disability discrimination – which is real when it comes to disabilities that can create negative reactions, e.g., behavioral issues – but the stunningly STUPID fact that that teacher thought the game(?) would be a good idea for any child. I mean, come on, has she never heard of that brown/blue eyed experiment?
I can’t imagine any teacher pulling a young child to the front of a class and having all his classmates say what they DON’T like about him, and then vote to kick him out of class. Add to that that the child in question has a dx including social difficulties – and had made ONE FRIEND in the class – and she thought to herself that not only was that not cruel, but was in fact altruistic or …wait, my head’s exploding… didactic?
Sweet Mary I can’t even imagine what I would do if someone did that to Jack. As it is I want to shake that teacher until she gets whiplash. And the thing is, part of this is my old debate about special treatment of autism in regards to viewing it as a disability or a neurodiverse thing. I don’t always agree that everything should be kumbaya and unrealistic in learning environments. So maybe with different constraints (Older kids? Couched in a psych lesson?) it could be interesting. Maybe. But it just seems an unnecessary experiment (and, done before), and knowing the extra and long-term damage to this boy in particular is what takes this from stupid to outright malicious.
But the part that makes me saddest of all (again, like Hala) are the comments after the article. Disagree how you will about autism being a factor, but being unsympathetic to a child’s emotional damage is.. wrong. And that’s the base factor here.
Here’s my morning thus far:
Took Jack to a new Ped about an issue that was subsequently referred on to an Endocrinologist. It’s most likely nothing, but I’ll let you know if it becomes something real. This Ped’s an autie mom also, so when she asked me which doctor gave us the dx, I blanked and mumbled something about ‘Dr. Prozac.’ I was momentarily embarrassed until she looked at me and said I know exactly who you’re talking about, he tried to put my daughter on Prozac also. And it was, in fact, the same guy.
That’s both funny and really, really sad.
Also while we were there, the vet called to say Oscar is not recouping as well as he should, so they put him back on IV and drugs [insert image of dollars rolling on a gas pump] which makes me think we should start a pool on the final bill, shall we? (Whatchoo think: five dollar buy-in – winner gets bragging rights along with charity warm fuzzies?)
And, finally, here’s a cartoon that made me giggle, though I realize of the half of you who would even GET the reference, half won’t even think it’s funny. Which leaves me and… uh, Sam? Whatever, I like it.
Happy Monday everyone! Hope all you mamas out there had a great weekend.
(First and totally unrelated to the rest of the post: we have a French press now to make our coffee, and SWEET MARY IS IT SO MUCH BETTER THAN OUR OLD DRIP COFFEE. And I love – no, subsist – on coffee as my morning ritual, so although this takes longer, it’s like graduating from Natty Light to Newcastle: I can’t ever have the old kind again without knowing the truth of what’s out there. Yum.)
So, yesterday was an emotional Jack day for me. I had his IEP meeting in the afternoon, and it was so overwhelming, which really threw me for a loop after a couple years of these. First, there were ten, maybe eleven people in the room, and I had no idea why or who all these professionals were. Speech, Occupational, Resource teacher, Pre-school teacher, Kindy teacher, Principal, Special Needs advocate, Psychologist and a few others thrown in to raise the temperature level it seemed like. And it was surreal the way they discussed Jack as if he were an inanimate object, a case-study maybe. And don’t get me wrong, they are very kind and loving people, I feel ridiculously blessed we are in the school district we are. But at one point they were clinically explaining all his deficits and below developmental-average percentages, and I just burst into tears. The whole room stared at me for a second, totally confused as to why I’d be crying, when the spark of realization that they were talking to the mother of this real child hit them.
I am more anxious about how successful Jack will be in Kindergarten than I have been about anything previously. His pre-k is a program geared towards kids with various special needs. There are at least 5 adults in the room, and most of the kids have IEPs of some sort. But next year will be Jack mainstreamed in a normal classroom where he most likely could be one of maybe two kids who are special needs. The IEP team had a heated and obviously old argument about how much Para time could be allocated to him. I mean, they’re arguing over whether “Jacoby” will succeed in a three hour class with 60 minutes, or if he really needs 90 minutes of personal adult attention, and I know they’re thinking solely of time and budget. But I, on the other hand, am picturing my sweet boy having an anxiety attack and melting down in this alien environment. And the truth is, we’re all a little nervous how it will go – and this is a new feeling for us as a team. This is a wonderful school filled with genuinely caring people who adore my son (thus I adore them), so I know he has a great support net. I just feel so helpless to help him sometimes. And basically, it scares the shite out of me to know the professionals who know him almost as well feel the same way. There’s just not a lot we can do besides pray and wait.
But on a lighter note, we had Jack’s first of two birthday parties last night, along with another little boy in his class with an April birthday. The kids all had fun, and I was so proud of how Jack handled it. He was a champ, even during the few moments when I could see he was overwhelmed. At one point he stood up on his bench in the noisy pizza room and hollered THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! Ha.
He’ll turn 5 next week, and he’s come so far it’s unbelievable. I love that little fartknocker so much my heart hurts with it.
.
And I mean really, who couldn’t?
So would you believe me if I told you that WordPress changed their internal design, and I feel like it stole my writing mojo? I open up a blank page and immediately my lip curls up at the unfamiliarity of it.
(That and I think it’s because Jon sent the blog to a thousand old friends as a way to tell them about our life and I have stage fright suddenly. Thanks, H. Pimp. Maybe you should update your blog more than once every three months, hmm?)
Anyway, how is everyone? Things are rolling merrily along here I s’pose. I saw an article recently about how the mumps vax is conclusively useless and I really wanted to rant/boast/drone on about it. But then I looked and saw a theme of my most recent posts and decided I’d lose more people if I became that person all the time.
Royals season has started, we went on Tuesday and will again on Saturday. I love going to games, though probably not for the right reasons (i.e., the game – though it was pleasurable to see A-Rod play this week, heh). It’s funny how conditioned I’ve become to craving a hot dog as soon as I step into the stadium. A hot dog! Blech! Unfortunately for this week though, it’s cold and rainy with a chance of snow (SNOW! DO YOU HEAR ME? SNOW!) this weekend. This isn’t the Chiefs we’re watching here, people. Oh well. I love the adventure, if not the windburn.
The halflings are doing fairly well. School has become tremendously easier with Jack riding the bus home. We have his IEP meeting next week and I know I’ll be able to write in a bus schedule for next year. I’m debating about letting him ride both ways, but I’m torn. I was talking to a good friend yesterday who homeschools her kids, and the old guilt came back that I’ve just given up to let other people take care of Jack. And the deep-down truth is that the benefit of his learning social skills in a specifically-structured setting is only ancillary to the fact that I get a break every day. And I know I’m validated in wanting some respite, but I know that I chose the school option because of it, and that makes me sad. I really hope to re-examine homeschooling in a few years, maybe when I feel less tapped-out, because philosophically I think it can be an awesome learning possibility. But for now, this is what is best for everyone.
Lorelei is simply the cutest damn thing ever. I don’t know if it’s because she’s a girl, or that there’s just so much less stress because developmentally she’s on-time, but some days she is the brightest light in my life. Even her screeching tantrums can’t get to me, they just seem so.. understandable to me. And it’s another example of that autism-lens through which I find myself parenting even when I don’t want to, but I’m not sure I can always stop it. It’s bittersweet.
I’m still waiting to hear back from the Bradley academy to start provisionally teaching (really, have I mentioned the antiquity of that place? Bah. ) but I’m thinking of taking a writing course somewhere. We’ll see, though. I tend to hover between needing to be social and busy and resisting too much structured expectation of my time. Snort.
Jon’s work is picking up a bit after some crappy recession-induced drama, but he’s getting ready to go on a bunch of business trips, so I’m trying to shore up for that. We’re almost done with all seasons of The Wire, so I think I’ll arrange our Netflix queue to send me every chickflick available while he’s gone. Merchant Ivory, here I come!
And that’s it for now, methinks. We’ll follow the proverbial North Star back to my beloved Colorado in June sometime, so as the weather gets warmer that magnetic pull will keep me going. If anyone wants to join us, let me know – my uncle brews his own Guinness. *happy sigh*
Have a great weekend friends! I hope you’re all well.
You don’t HAVE to watch that doc just to make me happy.
However, you MUST read this phenomenal blog entry.
Fo’real, this is one of the single best opinion pieces I’ve ever read.
I’m not kidding.
I saw this article today about a gal describing her life as an Aspie, and I was reminded again how little I really know about my opinion on autism. In particular, this paragraph made me resignedly smile:
I also have intensified senses — touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound — so I am attuned to lights, noise, textures, and smells. In a “busy” environment, I will eventually go into sensory overload and my mind will go blank. When this happens, I have to “go away” mentally for a brief period to regain focus. When I “return,” I have to piece together what occurred while I was “away.” The additional mental processing I must do to function every day is fatiguing, and I don’t handle “ad hoc” very well. Being asked to respond quickly in the midst of all this other processing is difficult, sometimes impossible.
So, if I pretty much wrote this exact thought-process a week ago, does that make me an Aspie also? I doubt it. Though I think it’s interesting that most auties have sensory issues. Is it a sliding scale neurologically? A chromosomal crap-shoot timed with some sort of external trigger – toxic or otherwise? Possibly. It seems a lot people assume that’s the most logical scenario. .
I think part of my eternal reticence to discuss autism is the fact that there is that large school of thought that it is some sort of toxic damage, obviously mostly correlated to vaccines. And despite my holistic philosophies, I just can’t endorse that fully. I see the irony (if you can call it that) that I’m against vaccines but don’t necessarily believe it’s a direct causation; at least not how I categorize ‘autism’. But that’s because I really think in the future there will be a demarcation in the diagnoses. Whether it will actually ever get this openly acknowledged I don’t know, but I think there will have to be a time when people being diagnosed will be either ‘autistic’ or just ‘toxic’, regardless if the presenting characteristics are similar.
I know at least one little guy that I believe is absolutely vaccine and environmentally-toxic, but I don’t think he’d genetically be diagnosed. I can’t really tell you why, other than what I know of human physiology (and what his mom has told me in passing about his health and history) and an instinct I have. I just think his eyes seem.. cloudy, for lack of a better explanation. I know that sounds like corny hoo-doo, and maybe it is. I don’t walk around peering at people to guess how unhealthy their body is. But the fact is sick people often look sick. So, whatever. And in that case, I’d love to send them to a naturopath to detoxify, but it’s not my place, and everyone has their own beliefs. He seems to be a fairly happy kid; who am I to judge his quality of life? Shrug.
But like I’ve mentioned before, I don’t think Jack is ‘toxic’. Sure, we could live a healthier lifestyle, but by-and-large he’s a healthy fartknocker. And aside from that, there is no mistaking that most of his quirks can be seen in me, and more specifically, his grandpa. Autism experts would lurve Jack’s bloodline.
Regardless, given the coincidence that I am invested in both natural living and autism, I’m often the go-to for opinions or education, which is both validating and humbling. It would be a lot easier if I did belong to the genetic vs curable camp, because I have a host of research on both. Unfortunately I don’t think it breaks down that cleanly, which, ironically again (?), sort of sums up the difficulty that can come with navigating autism.
So I guess this is my yearly admission that I have zero idea. And the further along we go, the less I have the urge to discover, which is bad timing considering autism is the new hot topic. But, I do like the tangential press on vaccines. I mean, even if I’m not wholly convinced by the recent ruling by the government, I wholly support it – if it means more education.
The truth is that it has crossed my mind in the past that maybe Jack is my segue into gaining credence on both sides of the vaccine-discussion fence. It’s a pretty strong shield to carry when very few people will argue with me either way.
It’s OK that I don’t know everything – I know enough.
