Here’s the thing. Some people are very, very strong advocates for nursing in public. And I get it, because until it is normalized, it’s going to continue to be sexualized, and unfortunately that is a *huge* reason some women won’t breastfeed: simply because they can’t get past the sexuality of breasts. But other than advocating general education, I’ve never been extremely outgoing about nursing in public (NIP – get it? See, we have a sense of humor about it!). I did nurse in public, but it was just easier for me to nurse somewhere private, if nothing else because my kids would be too distracted otherwise.

And some women cover up for personal reasons, but most kiddos I know (my own included) HATE nursing under a blanket. It gets hot and stuffy and there’s nothing to see. I don’t think people get that when they just assume it’s no big deal to toss a blanket over a kid’s head. You try it.

And Jon and I watch Bill Maher every once in a while because of his guests, but overall I think he’s smug and arrogant. I like the discussions he has with people, and I don’t mind that he’s an avowed bachelor, but he’s too educated to be this childish and ignorant about breastfeeding. This guy is always trying to take umbrage with America for being so unhealthy and relying on Big Pharma.

H-e-l-l-o! What do you think is the point of nursing our future generation you idiot!

Anyway, this is the transcript of his take on the Applebee’s event. I agree with him that people have become lax on taking a stand on things, but devaluing something so irrefutably important is hypocritical and narrow-minded.

So Bill, I know you frequent the Playboy Mansion with your plastic girl-of-the-week, and think boobs are all for your pleasure. But if you’re comparing me to a dog because I can give birth and feed my child, what in the hell does that make you?

And finally, New Rule – and I never thought I’d be the one to say this, but: Don’t show me your tits. [laughter] Last week, the world’s first “Nurse In” was held to protest the case of a woman who was breast-feeding in public, and asked by an Appleby’s manager not to leave, but just to cover up a little bit. Because the wait staff got tired of hearing, “I’ll have what that kid’s having.” [laughter] [applause]

Look, I’m not trying to be insensitive here. I know your baby needs to eat, but so do I, and this is Appleby’s, so I’m already nauseous. [laughter]

Breast-feeding a baby is an intimate act, and I don’t want to watch strangers performing intimate acts. At least not for free. [laughter] It cheapens it. [laughter] But breast-feeding activists – yes, breast-feeding activists, called “lactivists” – say this is a human right and appropriate everywhere, because it’s natural. Well, so is masturbating, but I generally don’t do that at Appleby’s. [laughter] [applause] Not in the main dining area, anyway.

I mean, next thing, women will be wanting to give birth in the waterfall at the mall! [laughter] Look, there’s no principle at work here other than being too lazy to either plan ahead or cover up. It’s not fighting for a right. It’s fighting for the spotlight you surely will get when you go all “Janet Jackson” on everyone. [laughter] And get to drink in the “oohs” and “aahs” from the other customers because “You made a baby!” [laughter] Something a dog can do. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]

Only in America do women think they deserve a medal for having a kid. In China, women give birth on their lunch hour, and by the afternoon, they’re back on line, painting lead onto Barbie dolls. [laughter] [applause]

But this isn’t really about women taking their breasts out in public, as much as I’d like it to be. [laughter] It’s about how petty and parochial our causes have become, how activism has become narcissism. It’s why Al Gore can’t get people to focus on global warming unless there’s a rock concert. “Melting icebergs, brought to you by Smashing Pumpkins.”

It’s why there’ll be no end to this dumb war until there is a draft. Because, at the end of the day, Iraq is somebody else’s problem.

And, by the way, there is a place where breasts and food do go together. It’s called “Hooters.” [laughter] [applause]

Please consider having an informed guest to educate you better. Maybe your mom, since she’s a dog too, apparently.


ETA: P.S. You once dated Ann Coulter. Case closed.