Woot. Bradley conference at the end of the month and I just bought my plane tickets. This time next year you will call me Professor Pregnancy muahahaha.

Actually, let’s not. That’s lame.

So. I’ve been thinking that my attempt to try and explain myself the other day may not have been very successful, which doesn’t surprise me. It’s really hard for me to approach this objectively, and verbalizing it is even more difficult. Simply put, I have been disenchanted with the majority (sadly, yes, I do mean majority) of the organized Christian churches I’ve come in contact with. And the fact that I’ve spanned many denominations and years and locations makes me think it’s not just me or an isolated incidence. I’m just really, really struggling with the inherent arrogance within the model most Christians are trying to live by. I’m having doctrinal issues, and it’s not with God or the fallibility of humans, but the church and the blind obedience many of the sheeple have. And sure, it very well may be that I still haven’t found the perfect church for me, I’ll admit that. I’m sure growing up outside of the church and coming in with a preconceived view is a challenge to that. But I’m just uncomfortable with a lot of the hypocrisy, and I can’t fully invest in role-modeling that to my kids until I come to some sort of peace with what I endorse. There are some 2,200 Christian denominations, and that seems REALLY telling to me.

I’ve been trying to work through my doubts for years now (Really. I remember having these exact convos with Jason 7 years ago.) and so far I’ve just never really actively tried to figure it out. Partially because I knew it would mean learning a lot of history of the Bible, and that’s daunting. Secondly, and more importantly, I knew that to honestly address my reservations may force me to admit some seemingly heretical thoughts, and that scared me to think about how the majority of my Christian friends/family would react. But I can’t expect to raise kids who want to discover their beliefs if I can’t bother to discover mine. And I know I’m not the first person to have these doubts, obviously. Nor am I the first to have no question of the truth of a God, just the methods of practicing faith. That’s comforting to me to know that maybe I’m not just a black sheep.

But having issues like this is only a small section of a huge spiderweb for me (meaning my thoughts are numerous and intertwined and dependent upon each other for structural support, if that makes any sense whatsoever). In fact I really think the Big Guy would prefer I wrestle through these things and be stronger for it, no? And as cynical as I may appear towards the average Christian (and/or church) I can assure you that I’m by far not the only one (nor do I feel that about every Christian I know personally). In fact I honestly think the common stereotype of this hypocrisy is an incredibly legitimate issue if we address ‘evangelism’, so really my reticence was just admitting it publicly.

I’ve attended classes on the history of the Biblical canon at a local synagogue, and the history is so freaking complex and awesome. And like I mentioned, some of the books I’ve been reading are addressing the issue of Supersessionism, and the Christian church’s view of the new covenant of Jesus vs the covenant God had with Israel. It’s a paradigm shift, lemme tell you, and something to chew on.

So that’s where I’m at. I hope that maybe explains slightly more (but probably not). And if this weren’t already so v-e-r-y long, I’d launch into why it’s imperative to me that I try and expose my kids to so much more culturally diverse worlds, b/c I think that’s another problem in the Church, and I am really uncomfortable with my own ignorance.

But that will be tomorrow. 😉