Because y’know, I have a lot, and can actually narrow them down to just five.

5. At my uncle’s wedding when I was 12, I had on a cute little dress with flowers. And if I pushed my (totally at the time non-cushioned) stomach out, I could slide the belt(!) until it basically came undone. I thought that was a clever trick and did it many times. More important to this memory though is when I came out of the bathroom at the reception, pranced by the 5th cousin-once removed I thought was so hot, and was only then told the back of my dress was tucked up into my pantyhose. Awesome.

4. In 6th grade I was waiting outside school one morning, lined up with my class and waiting to go in, when a karmically-large snot bubble billowed out of and back into my nose. And if that weren’t bad enough (in preadolescent life), the only person who saw it was Kristi, one of earth’s most obnoxious creatures. She instantly squealed and tolled the bells to alert everyone of the now-hidden offense. Despite my attempt to deny it, that wench spent all day telling everyone about it. Man, she was reason enough to move from Colorado.

3. Once in high school, during an incredibly crowded passing period, I tripped off the top step of the stairs and fell into the person in front of me. That person promptly fell into the next person, and sure enough – I created a veritable angry avalanche all the way down the staircase. Truly, it was bad. Luckily I had the wherewithal to spin around and glare at the person behind me to exonerate myself (hey, we all know the rules to survive), but I was still shaken.

2. In college I had my futon set up as a couch once when Jon came over, and he was sitting on it while I farted around the room cleaning up or something. I was playing music and some old love song came on that was cutesy, so I started absently lip-synching it to him. I leaned in to kiss him and, well, my knee slipped. I bet you can figure the rest out. The bad news is that we’d been dating maybe a month, and I’m pretty sure that was his official announcement of my presidency of Dorkdom. The good news is obviously it didn’t leave any permanent damage. Sorry, HP.

1. The hands-down most embarrassing moment of my first 30 years was in high school during a crowded study hall. The cafeteria was split by one of the accordion walls, and my chair backed up to it. Study halls are obviously historically quiet, and cafeteria floors are historically linoleum. So I really wish I had thought about logistics as I doodled on my paper while simultaneously tipping my chair forward a little bit. I mean, is anyone surprised that it slipped out from under me, crashed into the wall behind me and then clattered to the floor? No. But I was. And despite the fact that I tried to hide under the table for a minute or so in the hopes that short-attention spans would lose half my audience, I was actually gawked – nay, rubber-necked – at when I picked up the chair and sat back down. This is even more embarrassing because I had just moved to Kansas and knew very few people. I had been friends with the guy who shared the table with me, but coincidentally he stopped talking to me after that. And if you think this is me being dramatic, let me add as an addendum that years later I actually dated one of the guys who was in that study hall. A fact I didn’t know until one night when HE TOLD THE STORY TO EVERYONE with no realization that it was, in fact, my dumbass he was talking about.

Hey, everyone wants to be memorable somehow, eh? I just found my niche early.

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