Look, all I need is a pair of khakis. I’ve got to get dressed up tonight, and I quite literally have nothing that stays on my butt anymore, which is awesome, but frustrating, because it’s tacky to wear yoga pants everywhere. I just want a classy pair of nice pants. I don’t want beige cargoes, I don’t want beige cords. I WANT KHAKIS. I’d even settle for beige linen, really. I just need nice pants to wear mkay?

I don’t need them so high-waisted that they’re under my armpits. I don’t want pleats (really, no one wants pleats, would you learn that already?) and I don’t want wide leg – I think only Barbie or Heidi Klum can pull that off somehow. I am of average size and height, and it’s only April (i.e., an appropriate season). Yet I’ve been to four stores and somehow ended up with black pants. What am I missing here? Is there some sort of fashion boycott I don’t know about? Is this some cosmic manipulation to get me to spend a whole paycheck at Banana Republic? Surely there’s a better way.

Please. Don’t make me go to the mall.

Please just make a pair of simple (and slimming, if I’m really taking advantage of the demand) and reasonably-priced khakis. If you do this I promise to tell everyone I know and you will make a lot of money. OK? Please? Like, in an hour?

Many thanks,