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1. I learned today I’ve been writing the ampersand ( &) symbol facing the wrong direction.

2. I have the capacity for a lot of grace. Out of a hundred conversations, I’ve only had maybe a dozen people approach the subject of divorce objectively and/or non-judgmentally. I get that; I really do. It’s a painful thing all-around. But some of the things people have had the audacity to say to me are inexcusably out of line, and though I realize I’m sounding arrogant, I’m trying to say that I get why they said it. It hurts, but I understand the near-impossibility for impartiality.  People bring their own crap to the table when this subject comes up, whether they even realize it or not. This is definitely not something I would have known in any other avenue in my life – despite regularly making unpopular decisions –  so this really has been a pretty big insight into how people connect.

3. I apparently say the word “asterisk” without the second S consonant. I have zero idea why, since pronunciation is pretty important to me. I also can’t say ‘rear wheel drive’. My mouth sounds like I have palsy when I try to sound it out.

4. I am not so good, in fact, at the little details. I’m totally lying when I say that on my resume. I can spot editing mistakes because I’m a visual learner, but otherwise I’m a total cheddarhead.  Know what happens when you realize you’ve made a very stupid mistake after editing 6 images, making a preview sheet, printing aforementioned things off on expensive photo paper, making a .jpg release CD for the client AND burning back-ups of all your work? You feel like a total loser and start over, cussing that you numbered two of the images the same.  THANK GOD I’m working for a family that has six children. My boss is a father first, and must have realized he was taking another goober under his wing when he hired me.

5. I am actually capable of athletic competitiveness, even if it doesn’t actually include athletic ability. We played a team in kickball the other night that irritated me so much it was a toss-up between my desire to (as the catcher) sweep the leg of the girl trying to crowd me off the plate (seriously you asshat, it’s friggen KICKBALL) or just miraculously homer the ball and be carried over the plate by my teammates. Which means, of course, that I didn’t get on base for the first time ever in a game. Regardless, I reveled in this new feeling of aggression, and I’d like to learn how to harness it for rude people in customer service positions.

6. Most people probably are good at heart. The mechanic bought my car (sniff, goodbye sweet girl, you were great while you lasted) and is trusting that I’ll actually pay off the rest of my car loan  so I can get the title and give it to him. Kansas is wiggedywacked in this regard, and I don’t actually own my car until I pay it off. So I could take his money and run, and he’d never be able to sell the broken piece of crap in his lot, but he risked it anyway. And he gave me a fair price. Good guy.

6. I’m doing some on-line scoring for a company where schools send their standardized testing, and I actually was unable to qualify to score the writing samples of 4th graders in California. Apparently the rubric was just vague enough that despite hours of poring over examples, if they say Joey got a 4, I only gave him a 3. Or I thought Sally didn’t really understand her prompt and gave her a 1, but they say she got a 2. I had to match perfectly on 70% of my qualifying scores and 60% was the highest I was able to do. Holy batman I was pissed off.  So they put me on the next assignment, which is to score 5th grade math. If you know me, that’s pretty funny. But, as someone pointed out, I don’t have to actually DO this math. I’ll have the answers right in front of me! No ambiguity! Huzzah! And the best part is that I got a check for a whopping $46 dollars for that infuriating night I spent trying to qualify.

I got paid to fail people, and that kicks ass.

Surely there’s some philosophical lesson in that, no?

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For a couple of weeks now I’ve had a piece of paper in my car where I write down personalized license plates that catch my eye. This stems from the fact that for being such a word nerd, I am (embarrassingly) confused by these combinations like, a lot. I don’t know if I’m just so rigid in my grammar rules that it takes me a while to think outside the box, or what, but it’s comical – to me but especially those riding in the car with me – just how stumped I get.  And, it’s a pet peeve of mine when people personalize their plates with messages no one gets – so  imagine how frustrating it is for me to not know whose fault it is when I can’t get it. Heh.

So, the following is the list I have compiled.  Some are obvious, some I’ve figured out with help. The rest, please scratch the itch and help a sister out.

Gracias and happy Friday.

1. LUVBYTZ  (duh)

2. GDKARMA (good karma)

3. HALFPT (half pint)

4. NZOHNTR

5. GOBDGRS (go badgers)

6. NSHERIF

7. DOSHIE

8. BEANCHF (bean chef? bean chief? WTH?)

9. OPENBSD (some programming language or something)

10. GRAVIE

11. GRMAPPI

12. SPRBLNG (super bling?)

13. VEGAN (duh)

14. VZBEGIM

15. WARWON (whose war?)

16. NVMYMPG (Had to get past ‘Nevada’ for this one. Saw that it was on a hybrid and finally ‘envy’ clicked. I’m such a dork.)

17. JESUS (I *so* want to know how they got this. They were very elderly, so I suppose it’s possible they were the first people in Kansas to ever drive, thus getting first dibs..)

Equal to how I can’t understand your German email when Brandi messages me, nor can I read French. I realize these friends are overseas, but these email notifications seem like a glitch to me – albeit a pretty one to pretend I can speak:

Cave souhaite vous ajouter à ses amis sur Facebook. Nous devons confirmer que vous connaissez Cave pour que vous puissiez être amis sur Facebook.

Pour confirmer cette demande d’ajout à un groupe d’amis, cliquez sur le lien suivant :
http://www.facebook.com/n/?reqs.php

Merci,
L’équipe Facebook

So the following account for yesterday’s Google search hits:

watermelon

kids n . aked

asperger

converse smell

funny sings

ksu basketball

spring card

purple high heels

anyone else but you youtube

christopher kennedy, mortgage, colorado

play violin avatar lady

what to do when your parents find your p

mumbi terror attack seesay

toothpaste for dinner where is my coffee

leopard cage

dog bite

Hm. I’m certain I’ve never written the word Mumb(a)i; there are some sick, sick people out there and I, too, am curious what to do when your parents find your p… heh.

But I was tagged to do a music meme! And despite that I think most memes (ugh, I hate that they’re called that) are lame, I think I’ll do this one a) because I’m obviously bored, and b) it’s right up my nostalgic alley. What you’re supposed to do is pick a song for every five years you’ve been alive, and tell a memory that is associated either with the song specifically, or the time frame you heard it.

***

1. 1977-1982 – Lakewood, CO
Song: Peter Gabriel “Solsbury Hill” Everything about this song encapsulates my early memories in Colorado, which mostly include my mom’s family. As far as a specific memory, the only thing that really comes to mind is eating McDonald’s on Friday nights by myself in my grandparents’ basement, watching Dukes of Hazzard. But I was five, so the veracity of that could be a little suspect.

***

2. 1983-1988 – Arvada, CO
Song: Mr. Mister “Broken Wings”I took a gymnastics class where we stretched to this song, and all I really remember about the class is my friend Ray, who could do a standing back flip. He also slammed on the brakes of his 10-speed once and flipped up his back tire completely perpendicular to the ground; it was totally awesome.

***

3. 1989-1994 – Arvada,CO/ Shawnee Mission, KS
Song (CO): Bell Biv Devoe “Poison”I rode the bus in 8th grade, and the two most salient memories are of a dog getting hit as he was running across the road, and listening to this song and feeling so cool. But holy batman in retrospect I can’t believe they let us listen to this stuff on the bus. (Remember “Do Me”? Damn.)

Song (KS): Smashing Pumpkins “Disarm”This song reminds me of junior prom, where my friends Bec, Josh, Justin and I all went as friends. We ate at some fancy restaurant that served escargot as part of the package, and rode in a limo. It was one of.. two? dances that wasn’t with my high school boyfriend (we were on a Ross/Rachel break, of course) and I remember being totally underwhelmed about it all. I really liked the people I went with, but man prom can be such a colossal waste of money.

***

4. 1995-2000 – Manhattan, KS
Song: Beastie Boys “Intergalactic”The vast majority of my college memories are tied to a group of guys who lived on 805 Bertrand. There was a huge group overall, but the ringleaders were these five. Really, some of my life’s most fond memories include this house; I’ve said many times it was integral to the rite of passage college is supposed to be. Beasties were of course a running staple, but this song in particular makes me smile b/c for Halloween the boys dressed up like the video, and even now I can’t not dance like they do when I hear it. It’s one of my favorite memories of Ryan, who drowned the following summer.

***

5. 2000-2005 – KC
Song: DMB “Dancing Nancies”Ahhhh.. Dave Matthews. I went to a handful of his concerts during this time, but the two that stand out were with Jon, Jenn Dav and Emily, and then Jon, Sammy and Meg. Whooee those were fun. I don’t really listen to a whole lot of Dave anymore, mostly because my age was becoming inverse to that of the majority of concert goers, but I will always have a soft spot for this song and Sandstone.

***

6. 2006- Present – KC
Song: Okkervil River “Our Life is Not a Movie, or Maybe”Really, I don’t know if I have any specific memories to this song; it’s only about a year old. But it was on a Best of 2007 compilation I was given last year, and it’s been a sleeper hit for me. There are some disharmonic parts that took me a while to get used to, but what I like about it is that it can fit in almost all of my moods. I’ve run while angry, cried, waved my hand through the air currents out the window while happily driving down the street, whatever. I just feel like it could be a song that in retrospect will have fit the..unpredictability that has been the last few years.

So there you go. I tag everyone, because it’s fun. Ciao!

funny-pictures-cheerleader-cat-wishes-you-would-die

(Though like a small child, I am easily amused, so I guess that doesn’t mean much.)

1. How HBO can be so friggen hit-or-miss with their shows. I think it’s a rather safe assumption to declare that the shows are either AMAZING or SINGULARLY CRAPTASTIC. But the latest, True Blood, brought by Alan Ball of Six Feet Under, needs to be buried immediately- it’s so, so bad. The only good thing about it is that it affirms my stance that Anna Paquin is a horrible actress.

2. How there are four pieces of jewelry that in a week’s time of sitting calmly in a little travel bag somehow became the twisted mess below. Dunno if you can see it, but on the right there is a thin silver chain that is wrapped around both the gold bracelet AND the colorful necklace roughly 4,345 times. I don’t remember putting the travel bag in the dryer, but I must have, right? How else can that happen?

3. How much I dig the bumper stickers I see that say Barack Chalk Jayhawk. I can’t get over how clever I think that is, and it worries me that I thought about getting one… if only for just a moment.

4a. How I can look at my kids and think they are both 100% dorks and 100% adorable.

4b. Whether the person who designed Jack’s costume modeled it off of Willy Wonka (00:50 mark).

5. How it took me 30 some-odd years to discover Antony and the Johnsons. His range and ability to blend is amazing and I get the chills every time the song gets about half way and the piano comes in. Great music in which to just sit and think. This is “Hope There’s Someone”.

6. Why, oh why K-State has fallen so much under Prince. Sigh.

7. Why I was laid off of my job (long story, sucky but not the end of the world) and am looking for a big-girl job during the worst time to do it. Three years ago, great, but now? Notsomuch. Wish me luck.

8. The point of DST. I’m bad enough as it is with knowing what time it is, why do we need to confuse me further?

.

This is really all I have today.

Heheh. 8)

Or: Things always seem better when you need them most.

Either way, this made me laugh, so that’s always good. Happy Friday, friends!

Miami Fug Machine

Why would Jon get a hand-addressed envelope with a newspaper clipping in it about some super-secret consumer debt packet that for a limited time can be had for free by sending in an address? And why would this clipping have a post-it note on it saying (handwritten, trust me, I can see the ink blotches) “Jon, Try this. It really works! – J”?

So. Weird. (And skeevy, b/c I’m absolutely convinced it’s a marketing ploy.)

In other random news, my Sarah Palin Baby Name is Soup Landmine Palin. Which, although interesting, is not NEARLY as awesome as my Wu-name, which was Topheavy Hookjaw. (Props to Mr. Preu for the share.)

Finally, I really don’t like LinkedIn much. Sure, it’s somewhat wise for me to keep in touch with old colleagues or friends who could hook me up with a fo’real big girl jobbyjob, but seeing all these fancy-ass titles the people my age have makes me grumpy and defensive. My current title says something about Freelance Writer (snort) but in reality it should be Former SAHM Looking To Switch Careers But Still Utilize Her Degree And Make Money. So if you’re on there and not my friend, look me up. And if you have something in your company that fits my skill set, let me know. Danke.

But also choked-on-my-drink funny, so that assuages some of my guilt.

Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World

Mas manana, amigos.

If you ever plan to leave your wallet in any restaurant in KC, try and time it for Barley’s off Midland Drive in Shawnee. Not only will you actually GET the wallet back, but it will have your birthday money in it still.

And they have good beer, so it’s a win-win, really.

(Minus the 30 hours a week of swimming. That might be the difference here.)

Breakfast: 3 fried egg sandwiches, 2 cups coffee, 5-egg omlette, bowl of grits, 3 pieces of french toast, 3 chocolate chip pancakes

Lunch: 1 pound pasta, 2 ham and cheese sandwiches, energy drink (1,000 calorie)

Dinner: 1 pound pasta, 1 large pizza, energy drink (1,000 calorie)

Sorry kids. It’s hard trying to be profound everyday. Especially when your brain drooled out your ear when your daughter kicked you in the head to wake you up this morning. SO, here’s a survey stolen from Misty (via Jamie via someone else, I’m guessing. Though someone had to have created these originally. So maybe props stop with Jam.).

1. Favorite hobby?

Um. Reading, I s’pose.

2. How do you feel about your ex?

Fine. I don’t really feel anything.

3. Do you own guns?

No. But I’m not wholly against them, either.

4. What flavor do you usually drink at Sonic?

Eh. I don’t like Sonic much, but I guess the cherry limeade?

5. Do you get nervous before doctor’s appts?

Not really.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

I think they’re foul unless I’m at a baseball game or camping.

7. Favorite Christmas song?

O Holy Night

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

A big ole mug of coffee, with lots of milk and sweetness added.

9. Can you do push ups?

I can. Maybe a dozen or so.

10. Can you do a chin up?

Ugh. I doubt it.

12. Do you like blue cheese?

Sometimes.

13. Ever been in a car wreck?

Ha. Yes. The real question is how many ambulances have I had called for my wrecks.

14. Do you have ADD?

Only when listening to songs.

15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?

I’m lazy. And shamefully ignorant in war history – so I discovered during a painful game of Trivial Pursuit last week.

16. Middle name?

Marie

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.

My 16 y/o cousin schooled me in Trivial Pursuit.

I really need to make some coffee.

The air blowing from the vent on my arm is pissing me off.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.

Pop, drinks, chicken

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.

Coffee, water, beer

20. Current worry?

Ahhh. Let me count the ways..

21. Current hate right now?

Uh. The only things I can think of off the top of my head are slow drivers and the fact that I saved my stupid cat’s life, and now I just want to kill him.

22. How did you bring in the new year?

Eating sushi and hanging with friends. It was fun.

23. Where would you like to be right now?

Either getting a massage or taking a nap in the mountains. Maybe both.

24. Do you like bok choy?

I don’t know.

25. Do you own slippers?

No. My feet get hot easily, so the most I’ll wear around the house is socks in the winter.

26. What shirt are you wearing?

A soft t-shirt that says Tree Hugger.

27. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

Sure. But not if I have satiny jams on, b/c then they’d get all twisted up and annoying.

28. Can you whistle?

Yup.

29. Could you be a pirate?

Uh. What?

30. What songs do you sing in the shower?

Whatever’s in my head.

31. Favorite girl’s name

Lorelei Elizabeth

32. Favorite boy’s name

Jacoby Ryan

33. What’s in your pocket?

No pockets on yoga pants.

34. Last thing that made you laugh?

A conversation on chat.

35. Best bedsheets as a child?

No idea.

36. Worst injury you ever had?

Knocked my kneecap off to the side, and then had to pop it back on. That hurt like a beyotch. More than childbirth, in fact.

37. Do you like where you live?

Sure.

38. How many TVs in the house?

3

39. Who is your loudest friend?

Andy Backhus

40. Favorite book?

To Kill a Mockingbird. I swear.

41. Favorite sports team?

Mmm. Wildcats and the Avs from a few years ago.

42. Song you want played at your funeral?

It changes daily. I have a hundred songs.

43. Favorite candy?

Snickers!

44. Does someone have a crush on you right now?

My cat thinks I am the sun and the moon. Too bad I want to give him away for being annoying.

45. What is the first thing you thought of this morning?

Damn. She just kicked me in the head.


We leave Sat. morning (YEEEHAW) but I’m hoping I’ll be able to write a real post tomorrow with concrete thoughts and ideas in it. No promises.

Today is mostly for those who subscribe to Google Reader. The stupid thing never shows the music I embed, so if I mention music (e.g., yesterday), there’s a high chance you could hear it if you just clicked to open the page. Also, it doesn’t update if I find a typo, so assume that whatever you read has already been fixed by my supreme editing skills. Snort.

(Damn Google. So close to perfect otherwise.)

ttyl

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