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Hmm where to start, where to start.
So I’ve moved back to the neighborhood (more or less) that I used to live back in my other life. And I’m going to the old stores and driving the old streets, and there are times where I’ll zone out for a second and suddenly wake up and immediately think what the hell am I doing here – this isn’t where I live. But then I remember I do again, and that’s just sorta weird. I see people I used to see and it all seems sort of foreign. It’ll be normal again soon, but for now it’s kind of like purgatory, if I’m honest.
And of course, because I moved here for the sole purpose of keeping Jack in his school, ‘discussions’ about switching school districts to Jon’s new neighborhood have been stonewalled, and probably will be for a while. Things on the communication/respect/co-parenting front seem to be getting worse and worse as our lives diverge further. It just fucking blows, to put it simply. But I guess even the best of intentions and relationships can disintegrate when too many priorities conflict, and with each thing that comes up that makes me wonder who in the hell this person is now, it also simplifies my role as mamabear first and foremost within that interaction. It will get better or it will plateau at this point. But so long as it doesn’t get any nastier and involve court, I can deal. C’est la vie and all that.
I’ve been at my job now for about a month I think? It’s well. I like it and I’m good at it. Whodathunk, eh? I think the idea of getting my first full-on full-time job in 8ish years, a week before I was set to move, was in retrospect a very stressful thing for me. But it’s always odd to me to see how I compare stressors in my life, and how even despite not sleeping well because my brain is in high gear trying to just simply remember everything I have to do, I’d still prefer this over the past couple of years. Or even the year surrounding Jack’s dx or Lo’s birth. Things are falling into place, and as one ladder rung begins to stabilize, another builds on that.
All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.
BUT SPEAKING OF LADDERS! Went to the lake this weekend. I could use this as a tangent to rail on the UTTER and TOTAL inadequacy of Lake Jacomo’s campground and marina, but I’ll just say that aggressive raccoons + teenagers giving directions + broken pontoons + smashing fingertips + boat ladders + emergency room visits in bikinis + pre-dawn thunderstorms and no rain tent cover = surprisingly a lot of fun. Though maybe not for Tami who had to have her sutures put through HER ENTIRE BROKEN AND FLAPPING FINGERTIP TO KEEP IT SEWED ON.
(I’m squeamish about very little, but I heard the doc describe that and I saluted them all and walked out.)
(..And what are you eating for dinner tonight?)
Hmm. Brandon’s mom mentioned taking us all to Disney World in the fall, and though I’m totally itching to tell the kids, I won’t yet, because Jack’s head will straight pop off from excitement and perserveration if I did. I mention this less because it’s a future vacation I might take with my family and more because my sister and I watched the Harry Potter trailer and I am excited about possibly visiting the amusement park they’ve opened up. Yeah, I said it. I am.
But speaking of my sister, she’s working with me for the summer doing a filing kinda thing, and I’m so happy to have her there. She’s a cool chick and I’m old enough to know that this might be the last time we have concentrated time to hang out before she finishes high school (she’ll be a Senior this year. Truly. My baby sister is a SENIOR in high school. It’s nuts.) and goes to college. She was mentioning an art school in Seattle and I told her to do everything in her power to go as far away from home as she can while she’s young. God, the older I get the more I wish I had had wanderlust when it was more convenient in my life. I could never have been Alex Supertramp, but something closer to it than I was would have sufficed.
So that’s it. Really it’s just been a long day. And as I was driving home and some dumb teenager on her cell phone with white sunglasses pulled across FOUR LANES OF TRAFFIC to decide she needed to go left instead of right – with no blinker, which actually was the cherry for me on the whole thing, – this song came on (‘It’s Thunder and It’s Lightning’ by We Were Promised Jetpacks), and I cranked it. And I know I’ve linked it before, but this really just encapsulates my feelings on my life in the past few years. It doesn’t make me angry or sad or pumped. It is simply a song that I turn up really, really loudly.
Happy Tuesday. I’m opening some wine if you’d like some.
Well kids, I’m back. And my trip was, to put it mildly, fairly craptastic. Oy vey I hate when you have such anticipatory excitement about something, and then it doesn’t work out. It exacerbates the disappointment, y’know?
I’m thankful I got to spend a lot of time with my mom and sister, and it was so good to see my grandparents, but the rest of it just.. sucked, really. There was some unexpected tension with my extended family about the divorce, half of the visitors ended up with colds or some sort of stomach issue, the kids were nutjobs on the long drive home, and as soon as I got back a freak thunderstorm knocked power out of my apartment for a couple hours (in 90 some-odd degree heat) and drenched my poor new phone that had fallen out of my bag.
I think the straw, though, the straw that made me almost just lose it altogether, came a few days ago when I realized my (relatively low) credit card limit was suddenly – and arbitrarily – lowered by a couple grand while I was trying to use it for such minor things as, I dunno, gas. A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I was so irate I couldn’t see straight. My card is maxed now, and if they raise the rate – like I’m now learning is just as probable – I will be socked with charges I never would have incurred before, when I was an on-time and regularly paying-over customer. And more infuriating was the conversation I had with the unabashedly apathetic Capital One twit, who basically told me I could take my indignant sputterings and go f*** myself. Turns out apparently a lot of people are having this done to them, because the companies are trying to hurry and bleed us out of even more, before the Federal regulations eventually kick in.
I have such disgust for the ethics of big business it’s almost immeasurable.
But the real kicker of all this to me is not only the frustration that comes with feeling so powerless to that whole machine, but more that I was going to use some of that to cushion the unexpected costs that come when you move to a new place. I have very carefully organized my life such that for this brief time, I needed that. Not because I’m wantonly buying crap at Best Buy, but because I want to know that I can spend a hundred on things like trash cans and shower curtains and other miscellaneous necessities at Target. It’s been difficult for me to continue to swallow my pity-party tendencies these last few months; I’m trying hard to make good choices, and things just seem to keep, well, arbitrarily turning in a direction that has so much impact on my precarious stability. And it’s fine, I’m fine. I promise I know there are so many people who would beg to have my problems if it meant they still had food and shelter, I’m not that self-absorbed. But to know that some (let’s assume far wealthier than I) corporate asshat in a boardroom decided to screw me over just because he still can, blows. It tests my still-stubbornly naive need for fairness in life, I guess.
Blerg. Ok. /end rant.
Who knows, maybe some karmic chain reaction will get to the aforementioned asshat, and he’ll feel compelled to give a COUPLE THOUSAND to a charity serving economically-challenged kids. Let’s hope, eh?
On a lighter note, I got this message in my inbox this morning. I’m so on it because it promised 3k a month for working three hours a day from home. KA-CHING!
A venerable insurance company within the underlying market of
operation, is proud to announce yet another feasible entry for
uprising accounting adepts.
Comfort working environment will most definitely justify the necessity
to excel in the vast sphere of professional goals, and thereof lay a
firm foundation for your career advancement.
Salient associates, with profound work knowledge, will assist you in
unwrapping avocation related techniques, which will best integrate
with the development and popularization of high-caliber insurance
Feel free to consider the prerequisites table right below, to amass
the important information.
Yup. Totally legit. I’m sure of it.
But before I start my new illustrious career (or go finish my relaxing book in the waning hours left in my vacation), I want everyone to listen to this song I have resoundingly fallen in love with while driving that straight-and-narrow path that is I-70 across Kansas. It’s “Kingdom of Rust” by the Doves. Good stuff, I say.
Later, gators. Thanks for letting me vent; it’s good to be home. 😛
(I really shouldn’t become a professional writer. Who gets writer’s block for a freaking BLOG?)
Hmm. Let’s see. Random thoughts in no order:
- Happy birthday again, Sammy-me-love. Hope you and your beautiful wife had a great weekend.
- I am so excited for this I’m giddy. I think I might try the IMAX. I read a cool article in Wired that talked about Christopher Nolan’s ideas on it all, and I think it’ll kick ass. RIP, Heath. I hope if you get an Oscar nod/win, that it’s for the right reasons.
- Went to the T-Bones game this weekend. Such a fun (and cheap!) alternative to the Royals. Would be great for a date, or with the whole fam.
- Into Andrew Bird lately. Here’s Skin, Is My
- We visited my great-uncle this weekend, and I couldn’t stop looking at the huge folder on the back of his front door that said clearly “FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE REV. FRANCIS – DNR”. I mean, I wholeheartedly respect his wishes, and given that he’s uh, significantly older and not in the best of health, I think it’s not unwise to do that – especially if you’re a priest. But still. How incredibly macabre is that to have DNR staring at you all day? Ugh. Sorry. I don’t mean to sound glib. It was just incredibly disconcerting..
- Jack’s newest word is ‘disgusting’ (disgussing, really). He likes to call everything disgusting – from water on the concrete to the dog taking a nap to his carrots. We need to work on it a bit, methinks.
- Still looking to get rid off the asshat cat. Any takers now that he’s all fixed up? Eh? EH?
- Lately Lorelei likes to sit on your lap and while innocently staring at you with big brown eyes leans in and tries to pluck your eyelashes off. Sweet girl, this one.
Well, I think that’s about all the brainpower I have today. I hope everyone had a great long weekend. Feel free to tell me what you did – miss you out-of-towners!
(Which is what Jack dubbed my uncle’s house. Despite efforts to explain that Codoredo was a state just like Kansas, he insisted otherwise. We also ate at resronks, so whatever. Life is always more interesting in Jack-land.)
And I wish I could have some clever regaling of stories, but the truth is that this place is simply my utopia, and I don’t know how to explain it without bragging about its awesomeness. There are a lot of fun things to do (pool, hot tub, alpacas, batting cage, Rockband, basketball hoop, pool table etc..) but more than that there is the family that makes me laugh. And laugh we did, to the point where my abs were more sore than than my sport-playing arms. We visited a brewery with yummy beer. We went to Red Rocks and Garden of the Gods. We did the Zoo. We made many amazing meals and we drank stupid amounts of beer. Stupid amounts. Mostly we just played and spent time with loved ones.
It was awesome.
So, because I’m still tired, I’m going to post some pics and plug in a song. You can pretend you were there too. Cheers.
I have to post something – despite my dearth of interesting brain cells – to keep you coming back, eh?
1) Oscar is doing alright. He had to have a second surgery and the bill is still trucking uphill, but at this point we’re all-in, so send healthy cat vibes.
2) Props to my momma who got a new job. Huzzah!
3) Jon’s sister Leigh-Erin, and her boyfriend Scott, are in town for our friend Annie’s graduation from Med School. If you need an OB/GYN in New York anytime soon, lemme know and I’ll hook you up with her. She’s wicked smart and is going to kick ass in her field. Lots of fun and going out currently.
4) The following are funny search terms that pointed to my blog (and the posts I think they’re referencing). The others just made me laugh because I don’t get it:
- Matt Damon & adrenaline fatigue
- Tootie ta ta song
- Kristy Antonopulos
- Pictures of VW Camengia
- purple crack
- happy man with group friends
5) Here’s some of The King to dance to this weekend. Have a good one everyone!
(Yeah, yeah it’s a lovefest. Tomorrow I’ll write a downer, I promise.)
1. JON and my family and my friends and anyone else who felt even secretly left out of yesterday’s short list. 😉
2. Being the Kansas tester for this, getting it in the mail yesterday, and loving it. Keep up on this strong mama, folks, and order her chocolate. It’s good stuff.
3. Having my freelance writing submission picked up. Hoodilolly I am so excited and validated and scared shitless! And I can’t tell you about it, but I’d love some clever writing vibes sent my way. Tanksalot.
4. Having my wonderful aunt record my grandparents’ memories of their lives. She is one of those people who actively does what everyone says in those lazy moments they’d like, and as my grandparents age further, these recordings will be even more invaluable to all of us.
5. Getting my latest copy of Mothering in the mail. There was an article in there on how to follow your instinct even if your parenting has you swimming upstream. And though it was meant as support for those who get worn down from judgment, it actually just reminded me of how proud I am of myself. My philosophy is (for the most part) not mainstream, and of course if you know me you know I love being different because of it. But if it weren’t legit, I would have doubts. But I don’t – and never have – and that is the litmus to me that at least in this area I’m a confident adult with independent ideas. (Props, Mom, ya done well.)
6. That Passenger song over there <—. I can’t keep it up forever, but I’m sure enjoying it right now.
7. Coffee. I can’t believe it missed inclusion yesterday. It’s up there with.. air.
Real words tomorrow, friends. I feel like it’s been years..
I wanted to be clever like Jason, but I can’t, so I’m just going to steal his wit.
We’re under attack from the Influenzigoths. We thought we were past it from last week and got a couple-hour reprieve yesterday for Lo’s party, but after that it got bad. I don’t seem to be affected like the rest of my crew thus far, but I feel rumbly in my tumbly so I don’t think I’m going to get out unscathed.
Lock your doors. This crap sucks.
Hello everyone, how was your weekend? I hope you all are less foggy than I am today.
So Jack’s been answering questions lately with an ‘oh yah?’ straight out of Fargo (which he hasn’t seen) and it just cracks me up. And I mention that only because it’s fresh on my mind and it makes me think of something I wanted to address. I realized this weekend I may have come off as kinda racist when I posted the celebrity thing down there. Usually I don’t feel the need to preface a description of someone with their race or ethnicity unless it’s vital to the conversation, but I just thought it was funny that I apparently look like so many different people.
Therefore I wanted to hereby declare I have no issues with people of Polish (Israeli/Cantonese) descent. Just chess players. *snort*
Let’s see.. Fun weekend for the most part. A happy belated birthday to our beloved Brandon who brought his friends Kim and Ben to drink some beer on Friday. The next morning before lunch I basked in the bliss of getting the Garth Brooks tickets. Then we watched our boys get beaten by some birds down the road. Bad moods ensued for bit. Later I helped beautify my baby sister who, along with her boyfriend (another Brandon), looked as embarrassed as I suggested they would. The weekend ended with bumming around and baking some banana muffins for the brood.
Man I love being a word nerd.
So that’s it. Here’s a pic of Lizzie. Unfortunately she looks adorable for her first dance (as opposed to my turquoise, shiny and best-of-all POOFY dress that I wore. You would think it was 1984 it’s so hideous. Of course, there are much prettier pictures of me from dances so maybe you could replace that one MOM!?) which means she’ll be able to hold it over me that I don’t have anything equally as bad to hold over her. It’s all about winning the sibling rivalry wars, I get that now.
At least I have wind on my side. But they still looked so dang cute.
So my baby sister, Elizabeth, is 15 today.
She’ll kill me that I posted that picture. It’s from a year-or-so ago, and she looks much different now. But I caught her smiling, and it’s one of my favorites. And of course that’s the joy of having your own blog. I debated posting the one of her reading the paper on the toilet as a toddler, but I’d like her to speak to me again so this will be enough.
She was the catalyst for my parents’ decision to move to KS when I was in high school, and everything would have obviously been so different had she not existed. I see her as the event that changed the whole trajectory of my life. And she’s so grown up now, with three colors throughout her short hair and checkered Vans on her feet. She wears Hurley from Pac-Sun and decided in elementary school she was never going to drink or do drugs (I plan to hold her to that now). She’s wicked smart and when she’s not being lazy is in honor classes.
She’s in drama. God help us all.
I took her to lunch yesterday and we talked about politics and music and religion and Mom and Dad. About how they may seem dumb now but if she just waits, she’ll someday realize they’re smarter than they appear. I have one foot in her world and one in theirs. I’ve always felt sort of outside their little nuclear connection, but I like that I’ve settled into a relationship of translator that feels cemented from both sides. I am in the family, finally.
Driving around once in college I made an exhilaratingly rash decision to move back to Denver after graduation. That lasted about four blocks until an old Kenny Loggins song came on that reminded me of what we used to sing to her as a baby. I realized that I couldn’t leave her. Every time Jon and I discuss moving back to CO, I plead with my mom to go also. I don’t know if I’ll successfully be able to leave until Lizzie’s in college.
After all, I wanted a sibling for 15 years. I like having her around.
And I know she’s growing up because she has her first dance soon and she’s agreed to be a girly-girl for the night. Everyone will take pictures and her poor boyfriend will turn many shades of red. My dad will jokingly (but not) tease Brandon about not doing anything that merits cleaning his gun. Mom and I will both get teary-eyed like the dorks we are.
But fear not: the little girl who was once called Truck Driver – for reasons I won’t embarrass her over in public – will always be my baby sister.
And I will always be her Jujus.