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I know music hipsters are over Adele (if they even admitted to listening to her), but I’m a sucker for all versions of this song.
Every once in a while I mungle on to my blog and think about writing something. But with each passing year I’ve noticed my thoughts becoming truncated down from thoughtful post to clever Facebook status to clumsy tweet. Luckily I don’t have the patience for Twitter, or my brain would be reduced to a vacuum of white noise.
Part of the reason I haven’t blogged as much as I used to is that I don’t have the luxury of time like I did when I stayed home with the kids. When my days were mostly homebound with Jack, and my thoughts were mostly centered on new motherhood and the universe we lived in. It was a blissfully innocent time then, despite wading through the world of autism, and on my most mentally tired days now I sometimes find myself wistful for the simplicity I had then. Which, please don’t mistake for me saying I want to go back – I don’t.
Had there been any doubt in my choice to leave (and there wasn’t), it was brick and mortared this last year. And then soldered in adamantium and buried in the middle of the earth.
No, what I wish is that this wave would stop fucking moving, so that I could finally slow down and try to find that focus again; figure out what percentage of me can be devoted to what and whom, and then settle back down again. I miss the freedom I had then to feel passion about parenting. Or anything to be honest. I want to think about my family’s nutrition again. I’d like to maybe take a cooking class – I’m about a decade too old to cop-out on my inability to cook functionally. I want to read books and participate in my book club more than perfunctorily. I want to be able to invest time in being a doula again. Or find a writers group or volunteer program or anything that I know I once had the energy for, and would be something that makes me feel less like my days are spent just trying to focus on the next bright spot.
I know that part of the reason I don’t write more is that it’s harder to know where I stand with my audience. A good friend is going through a messy divorce, and I’m reminded again that everything involved in that – whether there’s drama tagged along or not – is like being turned inside out for all to see. (And evaluate and opine on.) A time when people will call you for coffee just so they can look you in the eye and tell you what a horrible person you are. AS IF the previous 10, 20, 30 years of being an acceptably good person suddenly carries no weight once you cross a line they draw in the sand. I still can’t get over the entitlement, and it’s been years since I separated. I had a blog for years before anyone gave much of a rats ass about my choices, and the self-centeredness that is inherent in blogging was fine then, because I obviously didn’t have as much to worry about. And aside from the ongoing legal shit
(because hey, let’s drag this out for another year! Let’s make attorney fees in the TWENTIES OF THOUSANDS, SHALL WE? Hooray!),
I don’t have anything to hide now. But I am tired and wary. And unsure if I even WANT to entertain anyone with my thoughts, if doing so leaves me open to the same criticism now that I apparently didn’t deserve then.
Except I need to, because when I do every once in a while mungle on the blog, I read old posts I had totally and utterly forgotten about. Things I simply would not have remembered had I not written it down out of SAHM boredom. So even though my life is infinitely busier and more stressful, I know I will regret it if I stop writing altogether just because it takes energy and time I may not have currently. If I were to create a timeline of my real life vs what you’re seeing on the blog, it’s ridiculous how much is missing. I think 11 posts in all of 2011 demonstrates that. Hell, I got married in July and am just now mentioning it. Why? Because I couldn’t decide whether to shit or get off the pot with this thing, as it limped along not being anything real.
Therefore I am officially, publicly committed to writing more. My family deserves it as an amazingly technological record-keeping tool, if nothing else. Plus my memory is beginning to suck, and though I may not have the luxury or innocence to while away my days like I once did, it doesn’t mean life isn’t going by just as quickly and without worthiness of preservation. So at least twice a week. To start. And that makes me excited, having an excuse to make myself do something that once brought catharsis if not happiness.
The gossip fodder is just an added benefit of course, but mostly it’s about the kids. Our family.
So would you believe me if I told you that WordPress changed their internal design, and I feel like it stole my writing mojo? I open up a blank page and immediately my lip curls up at the unfamiliarity of it.
(That and I think it’s because Jon sent the blog to a thousand old friends as a way to tell them about our life and I have stage fright suddenly. Thanks, H. Pimp. Maybe you should update your blog more than once every three months, hmm?)
Anyway, how is everyone? Things are rolling merrily along here I s’pose. I saw an article recently about how the mumps vax is conclusively useless and I really wanted to rant/boast/drone on about it. But then I looked and saw a theme of my most recent posts and decided I’d lose more people if I became that person all the time. 😉
Royals season has started, we went on Tuesday and will again on Saturday. I love going to games, though probably not for the right reasons (i.e., the game – though it was pleasurable to see A-Rod play this week, heh). It’s funny how conditioned I’ve become to craving a hot dog as soon as I step into the stadium. A hot dog! Blech! Unfortunately for this week though, it’s cold and rainy with a chance of snow (SNOW! DO YOU HEAR ME? SNOW!) this weekend. This isn’t the Chiefs we’re watching here, people. Oh well. I love the adventure, if not the windburn.
The halflings are doing fairly well. School has become tremendously easier with Jack riding the bus home. We have his IEP meeting next week and I know I’ll be able to write in a bus schedule for next year. I’m debating about letting him ride both ways, but I’m torn. I was talking to a good friend yesterday who homeschools her kids, and the old guilt came back that I’ve just given up to let other people take care of Jack. And the deep-down truth is that the benefit of his learning social skills in a specifically-structured setting is only ancillary to the fact that I get a break every day. And I know I’m validated in wanting some respite, but I know that I chose the school option because of it, and that makes me sad. I really hope to re-examine homeschooling in a few years, maybe when I feel less tapped-out, because philosophically I think it can be an awesome learning possibility. But for now, this is what is best for everyone.
Lorelei is simply the cutest damn thing ever. I don’t know if it’s because she’s a girl, or that there’s just so much less stress because developmentally she’s on-time, but some days she is the brightest light in my life. Even her screeching tantrums can’t get to me, they just seem so.. understandable to me. And it’s another example of that autism-lens through which I find myself parenting even when I don’t want to, but I’m not sure I can always stop it. It’s bittersweet.
I’m still waiting to hear back from the Bradley academy to start provisionally teaching (really, have I mentioned the antiquity of that place? Bah. ) but I’m thinking of taking a writing course somewhere. We’ll see, though. I tend to hover between needing to be social and busy and resisting too much structured expectation of my time. Snort.
Jon’s work is picking up a bit after some crappy recession-induced drama, but he’s getting ready to go on a bunch of business trips, so I’m trying to shore up for that. We’re almost done with all seasons of The Wire, so I think I’ll arrange our Netflix queue to send me every chickflick available while he’s gone. Merchant Ivory, here I come!
And that’s it for now, methinks. We’ll follow the proverbial North Star back to my beloved Colorado in June sometime, so as the weather gets warmer that magnetic pull will keep me going. If anyone wants to join us, let me know – my uncle brews his own Guinness. *happy sigh*
Have a great weekend friends! I hope you’re all well.