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Me, calling to cancel my landline with AT&T.

Oscar: Hello, AT&T this is Oscar how may I be of service to you?

Me: Hello I’d like to cancel my landline.

Oscar: OK, I see the cancellation order has already gone through, may I ask why you want to leave?

Me: We’ve decided to just bundle all of our services together.

Oscar: May I ask who you are choosing now?

Me: SureWest

Oscar: Is there a reason you chose SureWest?

Me: The bundle option is more cost-effective. It’s nothing personal to AT&T.

Oscar: Did you research U-Verse? May I tell you about what we can provide?

Me: Oh, I researched it, I know we can get the fiber option, but the speeds are faster with SureWest and they can offer a better packaged deal. It’s really just the bottom dollar; you understand. I have no problems with AT&T.

Oscar: We can offer 24bit speeds with U-Verse.

Me: And that’s great, but we would prefer the faster speed with SureWest. It’s already installed so I don’t think it makes a lot of sense to try and re-think it. I feel comfortable with my research and decision.

Oscar: Do you have HD on your TV?

Me: (pause) Yes..

Oscar: Have you looked into our channel options with HD and premium channels? Do you watch HBO or do you watch a lot of sports?

Me: Yep and I looked into all the options I need at this time. It’s just a better deal for what we’re looking for right now. 

Oscar: What about wireless, do you use AT&T for your cell phone use? I could offer you a free iPhone 4S with a contract that includes..

Me: Sir. I have already told you what I need at this time. I’ve told you that it’s nothing personal with AT&T. I’m not going to switch any services and I’m fully informed about what is the best fit at this time for my family. I understand this is part of your job and I promise I appreciate your effort, but I really need to just finalize this call.

Oscar: OK, well I show the phone number has been switched at this time so you should be set. A prorated billing statement will arrive in a couple weeks. Is there anything else I can discuss with you about our products or services?

Me: Oscar.

Oscar: Alright, well then I hope you have a wonderful day; we appreciate your business and please remember not to text and drive!




Hello, I’ve sent an invoice with payment and shipping options on it. Thanks!





Hello Olivier,

Our accounting is not set up that way; I’ll need you to pay through the invoice, which has a PayPal option. Thanks.







Sir I apologize if I’m not being clear enough. We do not accept PayPal payments outside of eBay, if you wish to pay you’ll need to use the invoice, as it is three weeks late already.



PAYPAL EMAIL = ……….????




Monsieur, je suis désolé mais nous ne pouvons pas faire de transaction en dehors de la facture. Si vous éprouvez des difficultés s’il vous plaît n’hésitez pas à répondre en français et je vais essayer de faire de mon mieux pour vous aider.

(Translation: Sir I’m sorry but we cannot do transaction outside of the invoice. If you are having difficulties please feel free to respond in French and I will try to do my best to help you. )







Well that was classy. I’ll go ahead and turn this into the account manager; do not contact us again.

Lando ate Jack’s homework last week, and I actually had to email Jack’s teacher and tell her that.

Epic win or epic fail, I’m not sure yet. But she appreciated the humor of it, so that’s good.

Jen to Jon – October 17th, 10:14 a.m.

3. Along those lines, have you thought any more about the Montessori situation? It would eliminate the housing issue for everyone, and I legitimately feel it is worth exploring. This could be the biggest decision we make for Jack (and Lo, but less obviously so, at this point) and I don’t want it shot down because we’re not getting along.

4. That said, is there any way for us all to try and relieve this tension? Find a way to start working together? I have given up the idea that we could all be friends, and I respect that – hopefully it changes someday; the current fighting breaks my heart. But we can’t keep escalating the powertrips and fighting – we are simply, flat-out NOT doing what’s best for the kids, and are failing as parents in that regard. There doesn’t need to be this much tension, I swear, again, that I have no ill-will toward either of you, I’m just so tired of my parenting opinion not being respected just because sometimes it differs from yours. Would it even be feasible to ask that we all four go get a beer and just try to talk? Try to explain where we’re coming from on both sides? We have to work this out, Jon. We are on an insidious path toward being unable to function at all as parents, and what’s the final step? Fighting in court for full custody? Surely no one would ever think that would do anything other than traumatize the kids for life.


Jon to Jen  – October 19th, 9:26 p.m.

This is to notify you of an appointment with Dr. E******** on Thursday, October 28th, at 9:40 AM to discuss a potential vaccination schedule for Jacoby and Lorelei. This will give you and I a chance to ask any questions we have concerning how the vaccination schedule will be set up for each child in order to meet Johnson County Health Department School Immunization requirements. It is my intent to schedule the first round of vaccinations 45 days from the initial consultation with Dr. E*******.



I am emailing you to notify you that as of today, October 19th, 2010, I will no longer be paying half of the following expenses:

1. Monthly fee for preschool at *********** for Lorelei.
2. Monthly cost of daycare for Jacoby and Lorelei to **********.
3. Monthly cost of Y-Care at ********* for Jacoby.
4. Lunch fees for Jacoby at ***********.

This is due to the fact that I am already paying my share through my monthly child support payment to you. Through consultation with my attorney, I was made aware of the fact that I am already paying for these expenses through my monthly child support payment to you as defined by the state of Kansas, Johnson County.



Hi. I’ve got a couple minutes, so I figured I could use it to write an update with werds and not pictures or head-spun-off-my-neck vents, all while avoiding laundry in the process. So huzzah!

For those of you who have asked me outside of this, Yes, we had separate parties and No it didn’t really go too badly as far as The Question. I was asked, and I just said it worked better this year blah blah blah. Lorelei broke into tears a couple days before Jon’s party asking why I couldn’t go, but she has been the more sensitive one in this whole thing, and has also quickly learned to cry (re: manipulate) for the opposite parent when in trouble. To wit: When I discovered last week she had dismantled some of the Death Star Jack and Brandon have been working on for eleventyfourteen weeks, her response was to immediately throw herself on the couch, cover her head with a pillow and say she loves her daddy. “Of course you do, honey. But you love me, too, and that has nothing to do with why you played with Jack’s Legos.”  Her reply? “I don’t love you. I just wanted to play with Legos.”  Sigh. Little shit. I am imperturbable to your attempts to hurt me. As far as you know.

I switched to Sprint for my phone, recently, and it pained me to do so (they’re home-based in KC and tend to have a dizzying and cyclical chokehold on employees and threatened layoffs) but they could offer me virtually the same plan I had with Verizon for about thirty bucks cheaper. Plus, I got a NEW PHONE. THAT I LIKE. FOR FREE. Which is muy bueno because it took me about 7 minutes last year to realize I really didn’t like the Blackberry Storm. So, uh, yeah, if anyone wants one of those, I have one I’ll sell you cheap. Surely someone who doesn’t use opposable thumbs might like it.

My last day at my current job is next Friday. It’s been a great year with a lot of flexibility to transition to from staying home to working, but our upcoming move back to Jack’s school district has upped my living expenses tremendously, and I need to find something full-time. I had an interview yesterday at a company I really liked, and I am doing whatever voodoo finger-crossing magic I can in hopes that it works out. Send good thoughts or money my way, whichever you have more of, thanks.

Millie/Willie/Pilly (Jack’s sudden declaration for a name) got out last weekend, right before I had him scheduled to get fixed and de-clawed. After a few days I was more worried than I wanted to admit. But we found him and life was warmhappyloving until Monday morning when I came home for lunch and discovered that THAT ASSHAT CAT HAD PEED ALL OVER MY FRIGGEN COUCH. I am still trying to get it out, and we are going back and forth on whether we’ll have to just get rid of it. I swear to someone that if I’d only discovered it that morning before I took him in for his re-scheduled appt, I would have saved some money on the de-claw by pulling out his nails one. by. one.  I made cat collars for them and named him Shim* Willie. Sucker.

I cut the crud out of my finger trying to saw through a baguette, but after a week or so I think it might begin to try and close up. I may have needed stitches, but I figure if I didn’t get them when I sliced open my hand at thirteen carving my pumpkin, and I didn’t get them when I drove glass into my palm at 21 while shoving down the trash, why start in my 30s? My friend JacobJ used to say he had magic squirrels protecting his car while he drove. Maybe he’s onto something. Or, my life as a cutter has been epic fail.

We’re spending a lot of time with a good friend who’s moving in a few weeks to Omaha. A big group is driving her down there to dump her stuff on the lawn and drive off, but before then we’re hanging out a lot, and it seems fitting to the sad-ish feelings I used to have every year at this time when school was ending. Bittersweet times, right now. But we have a new float trip scheduled for the end of June, so we’ll refuel our cache of inside jokes then.

And I think that’s it. I’ll end with a song, because I usually do, and hope everyone’s Spring is starting up like it seems to have decided to here. Finally. This is one of my new favorites, ‘Awake My Soul’ by Mumford & Sons.

Ciao, micos.

*Watch 30 Rock if you don’t already. Then you’d get the above reference without the link. My goal in life is to be Liz Lemon.

Sigh. I had a whole long rant written out about how freaking pissed off I am about this local hospital’s policy about separating mamas and babies for two days if mom shows signs of having H1n1, but I deleted it. I realized that there is no way I can write about this without offending a whole lot of people, and it’s just not in me right now.

I understand that this policy is supposed to protect babe from a scary, admittedly, virus, but to completely negate the – in my not even humble opinion – crucial factors that make those first few days irreparably important just makes me sad. These mamas need those hours for endorphin release. For milk production. For bonding. The thought of little babies in plastic cubes away from the one person whose smell and sound is the only thing they’ve ever known is barbarous to me.

I’m fully aware that many people think I’m a nutjob for my natural-leaning opinions, but I don’t see how there could be any mother who could have a healthy birth – of any kind – and not think something is just instinctively wrong when a member of the hospital staff walks away from you with your brand new miracle. I don’t care if you know that the colostrum that baby is missing out on has more antibody protection than the Fort Knox of quarantines, or that the hormones you might be missing out on could actually prolong your hospital stay if your uterus doesn’t contract well enough, or even that just having that baby at home – with full-on flu – is still statistically the safer choice, especially in relevant terms of nosocomial and iatrogenic infections. That really doesn’t matter. I’m just sad that we’ve gone so far from our instinctive biological histories that this is even an option. It’s just wrong.

I really don’t think I’m the nutjob. I just don’t.

First let me state that I’m an animal lover. I swear it. I am in fact notorious for taking in strays and was once banned from visiting the pound at K-State.

Now. Having said that, let me just shamefully admit that  I. CAN. NOT. STOP. SNICKERING. AT. THIS. Jessica Simpson’s allure – in any way – continues to mystify me (especially when she begins to speak) and I just can’t stop imagining the scene where she watches it happen with a wide-eyed blank stare. I’m sorry, but that’s straight out of a Christopher Guest movie.

RIP Daisy. Heh.





I got a packet in the mail, and it looks like I can get COBRA through Jon’s employer with health, dental and vision.

All for the low cost of $464.76 a month.


Sounds awesome. Sign me up.

1. Why is it that when I right-click the Mac mouse, I suddenly freeze the computer while a colorful wheel spins for an indeterminate amount of time?

2. What in the HELL is happening that such an innocuous button on a PC can cause such obvious distress to the Apple machine? Why such a friggen disparity in functionality if they utilize the same mice?! This truly chaps my hide. Every single day, when I do it multiple times.

3. Jack’s school district doesn’t have busing for elementary kids. This was learned recently and suddenly… like on the first day of school. It’s a crazy mess with IEPs and funding and in the end Jon and I are literally scrambling to figure out how to get him home from school every day. It totally blows.

4. Why is busing spelled busing and not bussing like I keep trying to spell it? I’ve had the opportunity to type/write out that word over 40 million times in the last week, and I’m still, thanks to the squiggly little red line underneath it, trying to write it incorrectly. I don’t think such a little word has trumped me this stubbornly.. ever.

5. When you see a construction sign that is specific (usually for detour directions) what happens to those signs after the project is over? Is the TURN LEFT ON SWITZER sign made of sticker-like letters? And is there someone who then has to peel that off afterward? Who makes those signs?

6. Why is it that people who answer phones for big companies are either super helpful or unabashedly rude? I realize it’s not a new rant to complain about people in customer service positions, but I got some asshat in trouble this week, because he literally transferred me mid-sentence, and the boss who ended up having to suss out my rambling when he picked up was LESS than pleased to have been put in that position. I was glad to know the guy got chewed out, but I wish he’d just been nice to begin with. Is it THAT HARD TO BE POLITE TO STRANGERS PEOPLE?

7. I legitimately, and without snobbery, don’t get why people on Facebook announce when they’re going to bed… unless it’s 4 in the morning. Or that they’re washing their car… unless it’s new. Or that they’re brushing their teeth… unless they recently got dentures. You get my drift.

8. I watched Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist the other night, and I can’t get it out of my head. It was SO DAMN CUTE. And everyone I’ve told that to is like, duh, you love Michael Cera, why didn’t you see it earlier? I don’t know. But I regret it, because I love that kid, and I now love pretty much everything he’s ever done. Plus I dig the soundtrack, so that helps.

9.  I need to get some insurance (catastrophic at least, but most likely health and dental. Not too worried about vision right now). But I don’t know where to begin. Any suggestions?

10. Saw BRITT4U today on a vanity plate. Sigh. What? WHAT?

Redneck Girl: “‘LoNROcanoehowcanIhelpyew.”

Me: (confused pause) “..Oh, hi. Uh, do you have rafts there?”


Me: (laughing politely) “I bet people get confused by that all the time considering your name.”


RG: (long pause) “…I don’t get it.”

Me: …

Me:  “So anyway I was wondering if I could make a reservation for next weekend for 14 people?”

RG:  “Yeh.”

Me:  “Ok, how much are your rafts?”

RG:  “Two 6-man rafts seat 12.”

Me:  …

Me:  “Mmm.. I have 14 in my group.”

RG:  “6-man rafts cost a hunnerdtwenty.”

Me:  “So I guess I’ll need three.”

RG:  “We got 4-man rafts.”

Me:  …

Me:  “So I should probably do 2 4-man rafts and one 6-man raft. That’s 14 exactly. ”

RG:  “I guess.”

Me:  “How much are 4-man rafts?”

RG:  “Eighty.”

Me:  “Ok, so two-eighty for all three, right? And it says on your site here that camping is free, which is great because it’s more expensive up the road.”

RG:  (long pause) “I guess.”

Me:  …

Me:  “Is there someone else I should be talking to? I’m a little unsure we’re communicating very clearly.”

RG:  ….

RG:  ….

Me:  “Hello? Did I lose you?”

RG:  “Do you have access to a computer?”

Me:  “Uh. Yeah.. I just mentioned I was looking at the site right now..”


.. and the rest was blabber about credit card information and waivers and rules of the campsite. It got even more wiggedy wacked when I realized 10 seconds after I called that I actually had 15 people coming, and the solution was adding a small tube to my reservation. Seemed simple enough, but holy batman that poor girl was flummoxed.

To say that I am going to call again tomorrow to double check I wasn’t hallucinating the whole thing is so not a joke.

Well kids, I’m back. And my trip was, to put it mildly, fairly craptastic. Oy vey I hate when you have such anticipatory excitement about something, and then it doesn’t work out. It exacerbates the disappointment, y’know?

I’m thankful I got to spend a lot of time with my mom and sister, and it was so good to see my grandparents, but the rest of it just.. sucked, really. There was some unexpected tension with my extended family about the divorce, half of the visitors ended up with colds or some sort of stomach issue, the kids were nutjobs on the long drive home, and as soon as I got back a freak thunderstorm knocked power out of my apartment for a couple hours (in 90 some-odd degree heat) and drenched my poor new phone that had fallen out of my bag.

I think the straw, though, the straw that made me almost just lose it altogether, came a few days ago when I realized my (relatively low) credit card limit was suddenly – and arbitrarily –  lowered by a couple grand while I was trying to use it for such minor things as, I dunno, gas. A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I was so irate I couldn’t see straight. My card is maxed now, and if they raise the rate – like I’m now learning is just as probable – I will be socked with charges I never would have incurred before, when I was an on-time and regularly paying-over customer. And more infuriating was the conversation I had with the unabashedly apathetic Capital One twit, who basically told me I could take my indignant sputterings and go f*** myself. Turns out apparently a lot of people are having this done to them, because the companies are trying to hurry and bleed us out of even more, before the Federal regulations eventually kick in.

I have such disgust for the ethics of big business it’s almost immeasurable.

But the real kicker of all this to me is not only the frustration that comes with feeling so powerless to that whole machine, but more that I was going to use some of that to cushion the unexpected costs that come when you move to a new place. I have very carefully organized my life such that for this brief time, I needed that. Not because I’m wantonly buying crap at Best Buy, but because I want to know that I can spend a hundred on things like trash cans and shower curtains and other miscellaneous necessities at Target. It’s been difficult for me to continue to swallow my pity-party tendencies these last few months; I’m trying hard to make good choices, and things just seem to keep, well, arbitrarily turning in a direction that has so much impact on my precarious stability. And it’s fine, I’m fine. I promise I know there are so many people who would beg to have my problems if it meant they still had food and shelter, I’m not that self-absorbed. But to know that some (let’s assume far wealthier than I) corporate asshat in a boardroom decided to screw me over just because he still can, blows. It tests my still-stubbornly naive need for fairness in life, I guess.

Blerg. Ok. /end rant.

Who knows, maybe some karmic chain reaction will get to the aforementioned asshat, and he’ll feel compelled to give a COUPLE THOUSAND to a charity serving economically-challenged kids. Let’s hope, eh?

On a lighter note, I got this message in my inbox this morning. I’m so on it because it promised 3k a month for working three hours a day from home. KA-CHING!

A venerable insurance company within the underlying market of
operation, is proud to announce yet another feasible entry for
uprising accounting adepts.

Comfort working environment will most definitely justify the necessity
to excel in the vast sphere of professional goals, and thereof lay a
firm foundation for your career advancement.

Salient associates, with profound work knowledge, will assist you in
unwrapping avocation related techniques, which will best integrate
with the development and popularization of high-caliber insurance

Feel free to consider the prerequisites table right below, to amass
the important information.


Yup. Totally legit. I’m sure of it.

But before I start my new illustrious career (or go finish my relaxing book in the waning hours left in my vacation), I want everyone to listen to this song I have resoundingly fallen in love with while driving that straight-and-narrow path that is I-70 across Kansas. It’s “Kingdom of Rust” by the Doves. Good stuff, I say.


Later, gators.  Thanks for letting me vent; it’s good to be home. 😛

1. I learned today I’ve been writing the ampersand ( &) symbol facing the wrong direction.

2. I have the capacity for a lot of grace. Out of a hundred conversations, I’ve only had maybe a dozen people approach the subject of divorce objectively and/or non-judgmentally. I get that; I really do. It’s a painful thing all-around. But some of the things people have had the audacity to say to me are inexcusably out of line, and though I realize I’m sounding arrogant, I’m trying to say that I get why they said it. It hurts, but I understand the near-impossibility for impartiality.  People bring their own crap to the table when this subject comes up, whether they even realize it or not. This is definitely not something I would have known in any other avenue in my life – despite regularly making unpopular decisions –  so this really has been a pretty big insight into how people connect.

3. I apparently say the word “asterisk” without the second S consonant. I have zero idea why, since pronunciation is pretty important to me. I also can’t say ‘rear wheel drive’. My mouth sounds like I have palsy when I try to sound it out.

4. I am not so good, in fact, at the little details. I’m totally lying when I say that on my resume. I can spot editing mistakes because I’m a visual learner, but otherwise I’m a total cheddarhead.  Know what happens when you realize you’ve made a very stupid mistake after editing 6 images, making a preview sheet, printing aforementioned things off on expensive photo paper, making a .jpg release CD for the client AND burning back-ups of all your work? You feel like a total loser and start over, cussing that you numbered two of the images the same.  THANK GOD I’m working for a family that has six children. My boss is a father first, and must have realized he was taking another goober under his wing when he hired me.

5. I am actually capable of athletic competitiveness, even if it doesn’t actually include athletic ability. We played a team in kickball the other night that irritated me so much it was a toss-up between my desire to (as the catcher) sweep the leg of the girl trying to crowd me off the plate (seriously you asshat, it’s friggen KICKBALL) or just miraculously homer the ball and be carried over the plate by my teammates. Which means, of course, that I didn’t get on base for the first time ever in a game. Regardless, I reveled in this new feeling of aggression, and I’d like to learn how to harness it for rude people in customer service positions.

6. Most people probably are good at heart. The mechanic bought my car (sniff, goodbye sweet girl, you were great while you lasted) and is trusting that I’ll actually pay off the rest of my car loan  so I can get the title and give it to him. Kansas is wiggedywacked in this regard, and I don’t actually own my car until I pay it off. So I could take his money and run, and he’d never be able to sell the broken piece of crap in his lot, but he risked it anyway. And he gave me a fair price. Good guy.

6. I’m doing some on-line scoring for a company where schools send their standardized testing, and I actually was unable to qualify to score the writing samples of 4th graders in California. Apparently the rubric was just vague enough that despite hours of poring over examples, if they say Joey got a 4, I only gave him a 3. Or I thought Sally didn’t really understand her prompt and gave her a 1, but they say she got a 2. I had to match perfectly on 70% of my qualifying scores and 60% was the highest I was able to do. Holy batman I was pissed off.  So they put me on the next assignment, which is to score 5th grade math. If you know me, that’s pretty funny. But, as someone pointed out, I don’t have to actually DO this math. I’ll have the answers right in front of me! No ambiguity! Huzzah! And the best part is that I got a check for a whopping $46 dollars for that infuriating night I spent trying to qualify.

I got paid to fail people, and that kicks ass.

Surely there’s some philosophical lesson in that, no?

  • Interesting story postulating that global warming is irreversible. The comments at the bottom are equally as fascinating; I’d love to have a roundtable with some Christians I know..
  • Speaking of, Anne Rice has had a conversion back to her Catholic roots.
  • So Brain Age said I was like.. 78? Yeah, well, suckit, Nintendo. I knew I was smarter than your silly little game.
  • Two very thought-provoking films I’ve seen recently were Milk and Business of Being Born. Would love to have a discussion with anyone about the social issues they encompass.
  • Reading this and digging it; lurve Chuck Klosterman.
  • The song “Count Souvenirs” by Junior Boys has been on repeat lately. It’s awesomely Depeche Mode-y.


That’s all. Stay warm, friends~ .

I want to have a discussion, because I’m curious what people think. My friend Alissa posted this article about the Campbell family who couldn’t get a cake made for them, because the name on the cake would have been.. Adolf Hitler.

The names of their other children are JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie.

Instinctively I am repulsed by the idea and categorically write off the parents as ignorant, racist jackholes – which, let’s be honest, I’m guessing is a safe bet. (I mean, at least super-educated racist jackholes are aware enough to be a bit more secretive about their mind-warping views, right? They find more insidious infiltrative tactics, surely.)

Anyway, obviously my blood pressure rises when I think about what kind of life they are creating for those innocent kids; what kind of lifelong damage they could be creating just by naming them like that. On the other hand, I know how many people feel about me and my views on vaccines, so that’s a flipside I’m on. And this all leads me to wonder where the line is between respecting people’s belief whether you agree with them or not, versus unabashed judgment or disapproval.

[Does that make any sense? I might need more coffee to communicate effectively today..]

Basically, I’m wondering where the societal acceptance/civil liberty line is drawn, solely when discussing PC protection. Should we get to use emotion as a barometer? I mean.. hmm.. Ok: The average ambiguity toward the concept of disciplining children by spanking disappears completely when you can definitively call it child abuse, right? People agree on that. There is an acceptable emotional response to child abuse that no one realistically can dispute.

SO I GUESS I’m just wondering if I should be trying to be mature in acknowledging they have the right to their views, and get over my emotional response (as I ask people to do for my unpopular views), or if I’m validated in my repulsion, because who in the hell would name their child after a bastard like Hitler?!

So yeah. Do you think that’s subjective or impossible to define? Whatchoo think – about this or other issues that press your buttons under the PC umbrella?




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