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OR: I steal everything from Jamie McJ (and should be paying her some sort of fee, perhaps).
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It wasn’t going to be understood by all.
Back to our regularly scheduled program next week, I promise. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
“The Luckiest Guy On The Lower East Side”
Fun video for a sweet song.
Or: Things always seem better when you need them most.
Either way, this made me laugh, so that’s always good. Happy Friday, friends!
I’ve been sitting at the computer for about an hour now, trying to think of a cohesive way to talk about this thing that’s been weighing on my mind. Unfortunately, I can’t do it, because I can’t still my emotions long enough to decide what I think. But that’s not new, so whatever.
In the past couple months I’ve made some decisions about my life that are unpopular with some people. And it’s been so incredibly humbling to know that even if I think I’m right – or at least not categorically evil, there are some who will just never agree. Different worldviews, narrow minds, lack of empathy – it doesn’t matter. It hurts, because so much of my worth has historically been dependent on others’ approval, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
But in what could be called the most complicated time of my life thus far, I never imagined that in six months’ time I would lose four of the closest friendships I have, for reasons that range from valid to incomprehensibly cruel. It just never occurred to me that I’d have to deal with something like this on top of everything else. And let me tell you, the timing of this is almost comical it’s so poor.
And my first instinct is to be just.. furious. I value my relationships. I have an amazing memory for remembering the smallest facts about those I care about. I’m empathetic and non-judgmental. I’m an amazing friend. But.. when the anger fades, I am left admitting I’ve dropped the ball on close friends a stupid number of times. I have a habit of being incredibly self-centered, and some of the hardest lessons I’ve learned were taught by friends I had made think by my actions they didn’t matter. Because of that I’ve learned the comforting fact that real friends are the ones you can hurt, and they’ll forgive you, knowing you will do the same for them. But what I’m struggling with now is the realization that I don’t know if I can do that this time.
Usually I’m one of those people who thinks that some things probably happen for a reason (whether karmic or divine or simply as an opportunity to grow) but I don’t think there is hidden meaning in everything. So if someone else were explaining this to me, I assume I’d gently suggest that the main connection in it all sounds like them, so perhaps they have more culpability than they’re ready to admit. But, I’ve thought a lot about this, and I still come back to the fact that there was only one whose decision I respected. The others were all totally different (and shockingly selfish, for all three of them) reasons, and after this most recent time, well, I’m basically crushed.
Mostly this shit just hurts. A lot.
So I’m left with just trying to find the appropriate amount of energy to waste feeling sad, because really, it’s out of my control, and I think there’s only so much good that can come from perserverating on it. And actually, if I let myself go Philo 101, I will guess this is just another example that my lifelong internal need for some sort of justice-compass is unrealistic and impractical. Sometimes life just sucks because it does, and not because there’s a reason. Luckily I don’t need this to remember that I’m still loved and supported by many; I don’t take my friendships for granted and appreciate that. (i.e., There’s no need for cheesy supportive comments, por favor. The rest of you out there are still my rocks, and this isn’t a pity party, just a sad vent.)
Really I think I’m writing about this because it just sort of feels like I’ve got a new pair of glasses on that are forcing me to change how I look at things, and it’s unnerving, and it makes me worried that the view will turn to cynicism as my life gets even more complicated. So maybe this is an attempt to convince myself that this is an aberration, and not indicative of anything else. Because I don’t believe that people are inherently going to hurt you in life.
But damn if I just want to have a better radar for those who will, because mine apparently broke.
So. Good times, good times. I’m sorry this was a downer post. Maybe as an addendum later I’ll tell what I learned from this, because there must be something. It’s all pretty fresh, so check back in oh, 2024 m’kay?
And to end on an attempt at a funny note, want to know the song coincidentally playing on iTunes right now? “Bullet Proof” by Radiohead. Awesome.
I bet that’s a sign of something. Like my amazing taste in music, most likely. Too bad for those who don’t get a Jen mix CD anymore, RIGHT?
Why would Jon get a hand-addressed envelope with a newspaper clipping in it about some super-secret consumer debt packet that for a limited time can be had for free by sending in an address? And why would this clipping have a post-it note on it saying (handwritten, trust me, I can see the ink blotches) “Jon, Try this. It really works! – J”?
So. Weird. (And skeevy, b/c I’m absolutely convinced it’s a marketing ploy.)
In other random news, my Sarah Palin Baby Name is Soup Landmine Palin. Which, although interesting, is not NEARLY as awesome as my Wu-name, which was Topheavy Hookjaw. (Props to Mr. Preu for the share.)
Finally, I really don’t like LinkedIn much. Sure, it’s somewhat wise for me to keep in touch with old colleagues or friends who could hook me up with a fo’real big girl jobbyjob, but seeing all these fancy-ass titles the people my age have makes me grumpy and defensive. My current title says something about Freelance Writer (snort) but in reality it should be Former SAHM Looking To Switch Careers But Still Utilize Her Degree And Make Money. So if you’re on there and not my friend, look me up. And if you have something in your company that fits my skill set, let me know. Danke.
Medieval torture is illegal, unfortunately.
(Doesn’t qualify his opinion politically, I know, but it sure adds to his hotness. The fact that I happened to agree with every word only adds to our destiny together.)
(Gracias Abby. I love you also on this rainy morning.)
Float trip recap: It was cold and wet, and the river and campground were empty: I was in hog heaven. But, to prove irrefutably that we must be old, there were 13 people – average age… 29? – and after we cooked dinner on Saturday, we were all in our tents by EIGHT THIRTY. And given that Lo still likes to poke me in the forehead to wake me up at 6:15 most days, I wasn’t complaining, but still…
Secondly, my friend Rachel wrote a great post I had been planning to link to. She’s much more defined about the constraints of her faith, but I agree with the sentiment regardless. It taps into a lot of the cynicism (and hypocrisy) I’ve always felt trying to fit into what I consider the modern ‘American Christian’ mold, and why I’ve sort of decided to be done with it all, honestly. And I suppose I should explain a bit more, considering this is (for me, at least) a pretty big departure from where I was at, but truthfully, I’m just too tired to attempt to muddle through it right now. So let’s just say this election is evoking a lot of pent up frustration, and I’m feeling more outspoken – but content – about MY idea of faith, than I have in years and years and hm… well.. ever, really.
(Huzzah for self-actualization, eh? 😉 )
So, MOVING ON, today’s YTT clip is one of the funniest phone calls I’ve ever heard. Most of the lines are used in our group’s lexicon, so if you ever hear me call myself a ‘plump Scotch girl’, you’ll know why. There are a couple cuss words (i.e., prolly not safe for some workplaces), but you have to find a way to watch it somehow, because the best is at the end* when he thinks the phone has hung up..
Huh. So this is the song I half-way thought about posting for the YTT installment I obviously didn’t do this week. It’s ‘Fake Empire’ by The National, and is easily in my Top 10 (of all time, perhaps). Such cool tempo changes and trumpets and piano and drums and stuff.
Anyhoo, reading Jamie’s blog today introduced me to the video below, which, happily, has my song in the background. I don’t think it’s nearly as cool as the will. i. am video, but regardless, it’s timely.
Therefore, tadow, we have two lazy (and unoriginal!) posts in one. 😛
Hope your weekend is well, friends. I’m headed to another float trip, but this time the weather will be a balmy… 70 degrees, so I’m curious how the river will feel this time. Good times, though, surely.
For realz. I know zilch about politics, but had I realized just how exciting it could be, I would have become an amateur (political) pundit YEARS ago!
First the Palin announcement. I didn’t blog about it b/c what more could I say besides BITE ME IF YOU THINK I’M STUPID ENOUGH TO VOTE FOR HER JUST BECAUSE OF HER (OR, MORE SPECIFICALLY, MY) OVARIES. I got into a heated debate (wih a guy, of course) about whether she will pull any HRC voters, and I just don’t see how. Her stance is pretty much opposite, and in my opinion, the women voters who would choose the Republican ticket simply because she’s female might have possibly already been in that camp anyway. And I’m not trying to be bitchy – I really just think Palin was a bad choice if your demographic are Hillary-voters. Whatever.
What? Possible baby cover-ups! In a three-day-old VP nomination! Holy shit!
And obviously I’m a horrible person for spreading gossip which I absolutely admit could be crap. But the fact that I could just as easily believe it’s true surely says something about.. well… something, right? It just seems to give me some sort of smugness that my disenchantment with government can be so quickly validated, during what is my first real attempt to grow up and take the whole election process seriously.
Who knows. Obviously if Bristol has a baby the whole thing will be moot, duh. Two pregnancies, two babies. But, like everyone has said already – because nothing I say here is original, I know that – if Bristol conveniently miscarries, I will absolutely join the queue that believe the scandalous cover-up theory. Which then of course gives me not a little bit of schadenfreude towards McCain, because if you’re going to make such a poor decision of leader in the first place (for experience if nothing else), you surely should have taken the time to discover her massively neocon-backlashed secret.
And more than that, it will make me somewhat sad for Palin. I just feel like she’s going past an idea of ‘token’ straight to.. patsy, of some sort, though I’m not sure why that word comes to mind. I guess at this point I don’t think I dislike her, I just get the feeling she’s being used.
MOST importantly, however, is that I actually don’t judge her if her daughter IS (or, really, was) pregnant; which is probably the real reason I won’t be voting for her, because obviously I don’t fall in her actual demographic of voters.
Surely there’s irony in there somewhere.